Saturday, April 14, 2012

Online Dating: A Special Investigative Report.

Does anyone meet a guy in a bar anymore? I was out last night with a buddy and all the single guys were looking into their phones like it they had a picture of Tom Brady’s penis. Why not just stay home and save the money on over-priced drinks? Maybe I’m old school but if you’re at a bar to meet men; why go online when they are only inches away?

There are few exceptions but in this internet age most singles (and married people) meet perspective partners on internet dating sites or funerals. Online, most people extravagate their looks; job and personality, or underestimate their appeal and write a spotty profile; upload only blurry photos and give one word answers to your messages, even though they messaged you first.

Most people don’t know what they want; even when they say they do. Putting an ad up for a boyfriend/wife/mother/slave/gold fish lover, can be a job on its own. When writing your online profile, there seems to usually be alter egos going on; there is the person you think you are, and then there is the person you want to be; and there is the person you really are; if you’re smart you combine all three. Most people lie so much its embarrassing. I mostly met flaky jerks, who said one thing and did another.

For research only I joined three well known sites. Match; OkCupid and Plenty Of Fish. In my opinion here is how I will break down these dating websites.

Jerk from

Match: Match has been in business the longest and is showing signs of age and neglect (no wonder they bought OkCupid) Since Match is a paying site you would think you would meet some classier guys; my first message was from a gentlemen who was 92-years-old (he said he was looking for younger; like there’s anyone older!) A positive is most features are easy to use. The negatives are longer than a road trip with your mother in-law.

Most of the emails I got were from people from faraway places like Florida, South Dakota and Canada; which I don’t get; am I suppose to jump on a plane for a date? I don’t think so. They also keep old profiles online as active, even though most of the people have been off for months; when your pay period is up Match will automatically recharge you; so cancel or you’ll be charged.

Jerk from OkCupid.

OkCupid: OC is for the younger set. With its cryptic questions, fun but mostly lame quizzes that seem to grow by the week. Usually your “matches” come with 3 ratings; for example: this guy is 47% good for you, 12% friend, 39% enemy. Your match gets matched with the more questions you answer; only 39% enemy? Hot, what’s his number?

Went out with some cute guys here; mostly young and in the end; most guys in their 20”s are great, until they open their mouths; I joke-kind of. Actually there are cute guys on here but since it’s a free site, most dudes are flaky about getting together with you, even though they messaged you first.

Jerk from Plenty Of Fish.

Plenty Of Fish: POF is like the McDonalds of the dating websites; cheap looking design, sleazy ads popping up and a sick feeling after stomaching it. I have to be honest. The few people that contacted me on POF were pretty shady looking and I declined. It seemed that anyone I was interested in on here weren’t online since over a year ago-a sign that tells you the site made them sign up to search the site, and when they saw what was really there they got off quick (and not in a good way)

POF was the worst of the three; it could just be the New York area wasn’t so great when it came to guys; but hey that’s just me; if you like them toothless, living at home with momma or five hours away; then this is the site for you.

What I noticed on all three websites, besides the actors; most doctors and lawyers seem to love themselves and always mention what they do in their profile name, lawyerstud8 or doctormoney12; pretty pathetic; I guess they don’t even bother to impress you with looks or wit, money or title works just as well for some trashy people.

Update: After working on this article over 10 months ago I decided to rejoin all three sites and see if anything changed. I can’t say anything did. What was really surprising was 98% of the same guys were there from over a year ago (with the same pictures!) So I cancelled all 3 accounts, got some books for my Kindle and baked some brownies.