Monday, April 3, 2017

Free Life Advice. Read It Fast, I'm Already Bored.

The Doctor is in, and let’s get this over with quick because I have a hangover. Some people need a therapist for logical mental reasons, others need a good kick in the knickers with some tough love. So here it is; your problems solved in minutes, not hours and you didn’t cough up the $200 bucks an hour for a head doctor (who’s probably nuttier than you) or even spend your morning on the toilet from all the medication they’d prescribe.
You’re welcome, now shut up and learn.

-You Don’t Care What People Think: Stop lying, it gives you wrinkles.

-You Hate Your Parents: Grow up and forgive them, or don’t talk to them anymore.

-Cupcakes: These are really round slices of cake; sorry chubs.

-Boot Camp: You’re just paying an angry guy to yell at you; get married and it will be for free.

-Proceco: Is really sparkling white wine, just add $10-50 dollars.

-You Can’t Get A Man: So stop whining about it; shave your legs; get a new hair color and work it.

-Why Is Everyone Crazy: Because everyone is a little wacko; if you don’t think you are, oh boy you’re in trouble.

-People Are Out To Get You: Sometimes, but that’s life. Watch a few seasons of “Scandal” and learn.

-“Green Lantern,” Movie: Really did suck; No REALLY.

-You’re Obese And Want ONLY A Muscle Guy: Drop the lard or win the Lottery.

-Space Wipes: Are really sponges, and not worth 19.99 + shipping.

-You’re A Drunk And Druggie: Google a picture of Lindsay Lohan 2011; and remember she was 24-years-old! Get yourself together.

-You’re Depressed: Because of you’re missing a leg; arm; eye? Right; feel better, bitch.

-You Have Bad Self Image: No matter how much plastic surgery you get, you’ll feel the same; just prettier. Happiness does come from within, yeah, within Bergdorf Goodman.

Your life is better than you think. Enjoy it!

Saturday, April 1, 2017

Sarah Palin Shocker: Husband Comes Out As Gay.

Just when the world thought they saw the last of Sarah Palin; she’s back like plaque.

News sources reported today that Todd Palin has come out as gay and Sarah Palin has blamed it on Obama, the media and homosexuals running wild in Hollywood, “Gays getting married are giving straight men ideas; hold on to your husband’s ladies; the gays are coming for them.” Palin tweeted today.

Sources say Sarah has said she will not divorce her husband and that they can work on the marriage with the help of Jesus and some sexy lingerie. Many whisper that the legendary “First Lady Of Stupidity” has no clue on how to save her marriage, but her ego will not let her get a divorce.

A close friend said Sarah has been so angry she jumped in the nearest helicopter and started shooting any moose in sight; the feminine males got it the hardest. Daughter Bristol worries her momma will head to a gay bar with her gun. Many whisper that say Sarah looks like a drag queen and will be let in without a cover charge; the rich really do get richer.

Sarah is said to be announcing a press conference this week, with her newly dyed blonde hubby by her side. Local sources report Sarah has banned her husband from watching Modern Family and eating Fruit Loops every morning; fearing that’s what made him gay.

Happy April Fools Day!