Monday, May 13, 2013

Martha Stewart Tries Online Dating: Does She Bang On 1st Date?

I bet she makes her own condoms out of real lambskin; lambs raised on her own farm of course; lambs that she’s fed only organic wheat grass and sparkling water.

Martha Stewart, 71, admitted recently she almost joined but chickened out after reading the questionnaire (maybe she would have like it better if it was written in italic script and, had a lavender blue glitter background)

Stewart admitted two days later that she went ahead and placed an ad for love; her profile received more than 20,000 views and 1,000 messages, she's eyeing two men she "could have coffee with," out of the five that we’re up to her standards, and plans to email the lucky dogs back today.

Stewart went on to say that she wasn’t looking for marriage, but some good old fashioned Nookie; which made me wonder; how the hell could anyone please Martha Stewart in bed? I could just imagine trying to lay her down in a passionate embrace, and instead of telling you to “do her dirty,” she would probably tell you, you’re sheets were not ironed properly and the thread count makes her want to hurl; damn there goes the boner and the money spent on dinner.

Whether Stewart finds love is anyone’s guess; hopefully she’ll pick someone age appropriate and not get with a money hungry 25-year-old; we wouldn’t want Stewart to end up dead a year later; her glue gun mysteriously blowing up in her face; that wouldn’t be a good thing.