Sunday, February 19, 2012

Momangers: How Moms Become Their Kids Pimp.

So when you’re child becomes the thing that makes you money; do you base decisions on the welfare of your child or the thing that fattens your wallet?

Most of these moms become pimps for their kids; case in point the tacky Kardasian clan. Their mom Kris Jenner is famous for brokering deals for her litter; my sources tell me the Kardashian’s rarely turn down an offer for their name or likeness to be used.

There aren’t many mommas who would hatch a deal for their daughters to spread for Playboy magazine, but Momanger Kris Jenner did and smiled as her daughter took off her panties for the skin rag while counting her 12% commission.

"Momangers," refers to mothers who manage their kids' celebrity careers. The word was made up from a cross between mom and manager; I just love that the word separated means Mom and Anger. Anger is usually how these kids feel when they get older; less cute and find out they are so broke they can’t even afford Taco Bell.

I love when some celebrity poses for Playboy and says it’s for artistic reasons; bullshit; it’s for fame and money (nothing wrong with that) just don’t try to act like your curing Cancer or reading to the blind; basically your taking off your clothes so guys can masturbate.

Lindsey Lohan is more famous now for her numerous arrest and barbaric family scandals then her acting career. Lindsey’s hard partying Momanger Dina Lohan is often scene whooping it up with her troubled daughter like she never left prom night. Momma Lohan has brokered a deal for the apple of her eye to shed her borrowed designer duds by posing nude for Playboy. The first spread was rumored to be so bad that Playboy had to reshoot it; what a surprise; nothing is more sexy then a 25-year-old addict who looks 40, and is in a deep denial about her life and great opportunities she has wasted.

I have to admit the photo’s look nice; of course they are so photo shopped she looks like a cartoon; but what the hell; it’s the first good thing Lohan has done in years; so my hat-ah-legs up to her.

Nothing is more of a train wreck then the little dumplings on Toddlers And Tiaras; A TV show on TLC. Little girls wear more make-up then an aging drag queen; dress like Las Vegas hookers and sing and dance like they have ants in their pants. On the sidelines their Momangers (mostly obese women with 3 chins) hoot, holler and yell for them to do their tricks on stage with all the warmth of a James Bond villain. Most of the tarted-up tots are juiced up on Mountain Dew and Red Bull given to them by Mommie-meanest.

So can you still be a good mother and a manager all in one? I doubt it; I’m sure there are a few, but most parents that rely on their children to pay their rent will probably fall to the dark side and never come back. One day when the child grows up (most have a 10% chance of keeping their careers in adulthood) the little darling child will become a big bitch if the fame machine is still not working for them.

At the end of the day there will always be another TV show, movie or singing gig; the years wasted pimping your child? It won’t ever come back again.