What NOT To Wear This Summer

New York hit 80 degrees this weekend and the city was alive with people, music, fattening food and ugly clothes. I don’t mean to be nasty but like Lady Ga Ga sings, I Was Born This Way.

With a tough winter on the east coast this season, people were more inclined than ever to stuff their faces and pack on the pounds. Now that spring has hit the road and summer is here the jackets have come off and wacky warm wear has popped out like a Chihuahua in heat.

There are many summer guides of what to wear for summer, but never what NOT to wear for summer. Here it is, like it or not.

Folded Jean Shorts: If you have to cut up old jeans, why the hell do you cuff them as well? This makes thin legs look thinner, short legs look fatter and pretty much turns off even horny hitchhikers.

Socks With Sandals: For some reason straight men love this look; I don’t know why. SWS tells the world your lazy, sloppy and your dad’s best friend; you look stupid, unsexy and I hate you.

Dress Socks With Shorts: Come on! This only works if you just came from Clown College. Buy some damn short athletic socks, cheap ass.

Muffin Tops In Tight Tops: if fat is trying to escape from under your top; that means don’t wear it. Try looking in a mirror with real lighting before you leave the house and if fat is hanging; throw the top out or cover that crap up.

Monster feet: If you must show your dogs, please cut your nails, clean your feet and get rid of those corns; nothing is worse than staring at someone’s gross feet when you’re trying to eat.

Too Big Shorts: I don’t want to see your flat butt in a thong; I know a guy once complimented you when you were 18-years-old by telling you, “Thongs get me going baby.” Well, he was a janitor and you were a stupid girl; don’t be a stupid women; your butt isn’t even pretty, cover it, PLEASE!

John Boehner Uses Our Tax Dollars To Fight Gay Marriage

When I got my weekly paycheck this week I wondered where the good times had gone. Gone were the days where I could spend money on strawberry shortcake for $39.50 (free spoons!) so long Appletini and the botoxed bartenders who served them; goodbye Hanz, the personal trainer who always smells like he ate an onion for breakfast. Notorious B.I.G famously rapped “Mo Money, Mo Problems.” I find myself thinking lately, No Money, More Problems.

Picking up the paper and finding out House Speaker John Boehner and top GOP leaders have decided to go to court to defend the 1996 Defense of Marriage Act (known as DOMA-which really stands for Dumb Obvious Moran Asses), which defines marriage as between a man and a woman. They have asked congress for half a million dollars to pay the law firm King & Spalding. The law firm, which has many out gay employees is getting a lot of flak for taking on the case; listen I know a lot of lawyers are greedy sharks, but would a African American lawyer ever take on a case where the Klu Kux Klan was trying to take their rights? I don’t think so.

John Boehner is known as a conservative Republican and big crybaby. His mysterious obsession with fighting anything to do with gay issues makes me wonder if Boehner is a closet case from hell (usually someone bigoted to one group of minorities tends to have more than just a deep feeling of not liking their obsession, they feel, deep down inside they are like them and hate it) A Google search for Is John Boehner Gay? Yields 2, 470, 00 results.

One has to wonder if the secret queen in Boehner wants to frost his hair and cut up all his old Wrangler jeans and make some bitching jean shorts.

It's scary to live in an age when no matter how large the deficit, people in government are using our tax dollars to fight their personal beliefs; screw you Boehner, stop wasting my tax money and the governments time with this issue; this country is in a terrible economic crisis and we need to get on the ball, now!

A CNN/Opinion Research survey released earlier this week found 51% believe marriage for gay and lesbian couples should be recognized as value, up from 44% in 2008 and 2009. One day bigots like Boehner will run out of office and replaced by people who support ALL Americans, no matter what their personl beliefs are; isn't that what America is all about? Diversity.

Count Your Pennies; Things That Will Cost You More In 2011

Food shopping recently, I was shocked to see that Con’Chedda(I kid you not) my cashier, charged me three dollars for a tomato. “3 bucks, it’s not organic” I said. With her hand on her hip she answered, “I rung up regular tomato, u want it or not?” I shook my head yes.

The government has said the economy is great and almost fully recovered. It made me wonder (and drink) here are some things to make you question those jive turkeys in Washington.

1. Tomatoes:

Frigid temperatures in Florida and Mexico destroyed much of the winter tomato crop this year; the result? Prices are shooting up faster than a street whore. Freezing winter weather in Florida wiped out nearly 70% of its tomato crop and growers in Texas and Mexico suffered similar temperatures. Some states in Mexico also lost as much as 70% of their tomato crops; anyone want a radish on their hamburger?

2. The Cost of Gas and Heating Fuel:

With oil already up 20 percent this year, economists are asking how long it will take before it puts a hammer to the economic recovery. If you're looking for the cheapest gas in the country, you'll have to haul ass it to Wyoming, the only state where gas still averages under $3.50 a gallon. The national average, now $3.79 per gallon, is just 32 cents away from the all time high set in July of 2008. Prices have been driven up by the global economic recovery, record speculation, unrest in the Middle East and the cast of "Jersey Shore" getting raises; it pays to be stupid.

3. Clothing Prices:

Cotton has more than doubled in price over the past year, hitting all-time highs. The price of other synthetic fabrics has shot up roughly 50 percent as demand for alternatives and blends has risen. Good news, Acid wash jeans from the 80’s can be found in your local thrift store for under $8 bucks. Clothing prices are expected to rise about 10 percent in coming months, with the biggest increases hits coming in the second half of the year, said Burt Flickinger III, president of Strategic Resource Group. Basically you’ll have to pay 10 clams more for those booty shorts.

Donald Trump Could Be Our 1st Orange President.

UPDATED May 2012.

Donald Trump has thrown his rug; umm; hat into the arena to become president in 2012. He’s against gay marriage, women over 35 and the new tax on spray tanning.

Trump, a noted Billionaire, Republican and all around pucker face seems to think America needs him; we don’t. Who knows, he could win; stranger things have happened; Arnold Schwarzenegger became governor of California. In its April 2010 report, progressive ethics watchdog group “Citizens for Responsibility and Ethics” in Washington named Schwarzenegger one of 11 "worst governors" in the United States because of various ethics issues throughout Schwarzenegger's term as governor.

Schwarzenegger has recently announced via “Entertainment Weekly” that he will return to movies now that his term is up.

Those who love Obama, think it’s great that Trump is going to run. With other Republican candidates like Santorum, Romney and Gingrich behind him; most Democrats feel the candidates resemble performers jumping out of a clown car, and not worthy opponents to beat Obama in 2012.

Why Trump would even run I don’t understand. The guy is seriously busy with real estate, TV shows, book writing, his own line of “spring water” and “dress shirts”; the list goes on. There’s a rumor he’s trying to patent his own farts. This man doesn’t have time to run bath water; let alone the good old U.S.A.

Whoever runs and succeeds in 2012, better be for the people and not just jumping in to add another plaything to their toy box; unlike cars and European models, our country can’t afford to be taken for a ride; been there, done that.

Some think Trump is giving Romney a handjob.

Update May 2012. Trump bowled out and it seems Mitt Romney will be the one that takes on Obama. Trump, of course likes the limelight like a drunk a box of Advil, has endorsed Romney. Trump says he has no time for the White House; sure, this dude loves power, and even went off on Cher this week, making fun of her plastic surgery and bad singing-he says; all because she said some negative comments on Twitter about Romney.

On "The View" this week Trump tried to stay tight lipped when Barbara Walters tried to get an answer out of him about being vice president to Mitt Romney; Trump finally mumbeled a "who would turn it down." and changed the subject.


So Donald Trump could be our first orange Vice President; scary times indeed.

Why The Meatpacking Area Sucks Now

Once upon a time in the Meatpacking district you could buy a fresh from the oven bagel, smack cream cheese on it and watch transvestite hookers shake their franks & beans on the corner as you ate the hot, gooey mess. These days the bagel place is gone and the hookers are replaced by “Sex And The City” type girls, wobbling out of some overpriced restaurant in high heels that they can’t walk in.

New York as a whole has changed. Gone is the sleaziness of what New York was all about. Tourist with bad jeans use to mess up your walking pace mainly in midtown; now they have descended downtown like locus in search of a Bible prophecy.

With the World Trade Center tragedy came lookie loos asking where downtown was, and if they could walk to the WTC from 42nd street.

In 1900, Gansevoort street was home to 250 slaughterhouses and packing plants, but by the 1980s, it had become known as a haven for drug dealing and prostitution, particularly transsexuals. Concurrent with the rise in naughty sexual activity, the sparsely populated industrial area became the city's burgeoning sex clubs home base. Now you can pay $40 bucks for a hamburger, in the 80s $40 bucks would have gotten you whipped and humilated; pretty much how you feel when you pay $40 bucks for a hamburger.

Beginning in the late 1990s, the Meatpacking District went through a transformation. High-end boutiques catering to retail snobs and hipsters opened. By the 2000s, area restaurant institutions like Fleurent, and bars like Hell were closed due to the new fancy boutiques jacking up the real estate. In their places restaurants popped up like hives in the spring. Most of them closed after six months; soon followed by other shitty, trendy food joints that filled young tourist's appetite for what they thought was New Yorkness.

As of 2012, the Meatpacking area is packed with over dressed people from out of the city; all trying to live their “Sex And The City” experience. Any Manhattan people I asked said they gave up going to eat in Meatpacking years ago. Now that the Highline has opened residents like myself never use it, with all the tourist groups getting "wet" walking on the highrise sidewalk with flowers and bushes; what kills me is, most of these toursit come from places with great parks and land, and this gets them hot and interested?

I do like the cleanness of the area now, but I miss the dose of realness that once was. Goodbye urine smell; I don’t really miss you, but somehow you we’re better than cheap perfume that fills the air now.

Glenn Beck: Japan Earthquake ‘message’ From God

   Fox News blabber Glenn Beck threw a hissy fit yesterday, speculating why God was making Japan suffer horrible earthquakes.

“I’m not saying God is, you know, causing earthquakes,” the conservative Crybaby sniffed on Monday’s show. But Beck added that he’s “not not saying that, either.”

Beck went on to suggest if we followed the Ten Commandments; there wouldn't be such a things as earthquakes, tornado's or The Kardashians sisters hogging up TV with their witchy faces.

Why do conservatives always jump on the "Gods Wrath" bull every time something horrible happens to our
planet? (Earthquakes are actually common and happen under the sea about once a week) it’s a way to make simple minded people believe that they can be punished if they don't follow everything Mr. Beck preaches. So Mr. Beck will speak for God and if you don't agree with him you'll suffer death, pain and more romantic movies starring Kate Hudson.

After Haiti’s devastating earthquake, televangelist and frozen faced Pat Robertson said that the disaster was sent to punish the country for what he believed was its “pact to the devil.” The Christian Broadcasting Network later said that the minister’s comment was supported by the research of “countless scholars and religious figures” who have come “to believe the country is cursed.” What a dumb prick.

I remember when AIDS was "God’s Punishment" for gays having the nerve to be happy and celebrating the rainbow. People who believe in Mr. Beck or any monster who speak like this; when millions of people have died, should be sent to live on a deserted island. They should be very happy together. I'll pay for Mr. Beck's ticket; one way!

Should Adopted Children Be Put To Sleep?

Angelina Jolie is a famous adoptive mother before She and Brad Pitt had thier own children; sadly manychildless couples still refuse to adopt children in need; thinking they are broken in some way.

   I was having cocktails with a friend recently, ‘Beth’ has been trying to conceive for the last seven years with her husband, and still hasn’t been able to lay any eggs. Beth will be turning 41 soon. With vodka breath I asked her what her other friends and family didn’t dare ask her. “Why don’t you adopt?” Beth reacted like I asked her if she use to be a man.

   Beth ordered more booze from our dim bartender. Once the drinks hit the counter Beth’s switch was set to on. “I would never adopt; you don’t know where there from, who dropped them off and why.” I was mad at Beth, I understood her worry but it’s not like she would just drive up to the clinic and grab a kid by the pig tails and take them home. Adoption is a long and sometimes tedious situation.

   Adoptive children are special because they are not just born; they are chosen-like a scarf on sale at the Gap; I joke but many adoptive children face prejudice from people; some ignorant people believe that adoptive kids are broken; not true-though some are problematic with emotional issues due to being treated like dogs from their birth parents. Most adoptive children can be loving and crave the affection of someone giving a damn about them.

   It’s too bad Beth and her husband will never get the happiness that a loving and needy child could give them. What Beth doesn’t know is that I myself am adopted; and off course I had issues growing up, but my mother always told me I was the most important person in her life, and no matter what, she loved me like I came from her belly.

   So if you ever thought of having kids, and can’t; look into adoption; it’s amazing what you can see when your eyes are fully open.

*Holiday Candy Fat Ass*

Shopping at my local drug store I was molested by the huge displays of Easter candy staring at me from isle 4. Family memories floated through my head as I stacked Easter candy into my shopping basket.

   The best part about the holidays to my family was the sugar. My mom might let the electric bill go, but she would be damned if she didn’t pick up ten boxes of Marshmallow Peeps.

   Marshmallow Peeps, their little distant eyes looking at you scared, almost like they know you're going to shove them in your mouth. The colored sugar would turn your tongue yellow, pink and aqua. It’s no wonder that by 9-years-old I was shopping in the husky boys section at J.C Penny.

   Of course my mom and dad had not a tooth in their mouth, but that never stopped them from gumming down a frozen solid chocolate Easter bunny named Wilbur (chocolate bunnies always have nerdy names; where’s Leonard, Tyrone or Mykel bunny?)

   How can we forget chocolate Santa Claus or as my mom called him Black Santa Claus.

   Let’s mutilate Santa Claus kids! Merry Christmas and a waist size expanding New Year.

   Who ever thought it was a neat idea for children to decapitate chocolate people? Totally racist; it’s kind of sick when you think about it; though I guess if you could buy little chocolate people you hate- that would be okay; little chocolate terrorist, yum; just doing my part to fight terrorism. They melt in your mouth, not blow up in your hands.

   How great is that? Or imagine twenty or twenty-two pieces of your ugly ass boss, all ready to be torn limb by limb. Tasty, God bless!

   You could even chew on them in your office, car, or my favorite on the treadmill. How much fun would that be? Every time your boss would piss you off you could throw chocolate boss Mini Me's in your mouth as you typed away that frown, and that deadline. You’re sure to be smiling from ear-to-ear as his head is ripped from his brown bloated body

   Just be careful you don’t have his head in your mouth when you say, “Yes, sir I’ll get right on it.”

*excert from There's A Bastard Born Every Minute by Hudson Taylor

Can You Date A F**K Buddy?

 

He was so hot in bed the first time you had him. You never planned on it but once every month or so he would come over; sheets got randomly changed; no huge feelings, just fun, familiarity. A quick kiss goodbye and you didn’t think of his muscular legs again.

   One night you got the text; you were out drinking and so was he. He came over; great sex prevailed but something different happened this time; he fell asleep on the couch as you nuzzled from behind. Your first inclination was to get up and blast loud music to make him wake up and leave; but you noticed something different, the smell of his hair (When did Pert Plus ever smell so good?) Without fear you kissed the back of his head and snuggled tightly from behind. damn, I think I love this person, you thought; falling asleep in new found bliss and dry mouth from the nights many Margarita's.

   You bombarded him with Texts after that; Joking at first, but then being serious by asking him out to dinner. He would vaguely text back how busy he was, which drove you bat-shit crazy. Some nights you Googled his name until you got any information on him; one lonely night you even Facebooked him.

   So can you date a f*k buddy? Usually the answer is no. Usually they meet someone else, have someone else or just aren’t the dating, marrying or friends type. Move on grasshopper because it hurts like hell to want someone who doesn’t want you.




Jared Padalecki is hot; who cares if he's a little dirty?

   I was at a fancy hotel last year and was enjoying too much over priced wine. As I stood and let my money go down the drain, who was standing next to me but "Supernatural" actor Jared Padalecki. Suddenly I got pee shy half way through. Jared is hot in person and so tall he made me feel like a girl...a very little girl. When he left the Restroom I wondered if WE could be; nah, he didn't wash his hands and his wife would probably mind.

   You seldom hook up with him now; it’s still good but not the same as before; he never falls asleep again at your place. He still hasn’t answered your Facebook request. You tell yourself he's not all that and don’t care about him and his hot pecs anymore; you lie to yourself.
 

Why Winter Sucks

This year the East Coast has seen a record number of snow and I for one am sick of it. I know what some cheery person will say, “I love the cold. I love the snow!” oh shut up! I’ll spill the baby formula here and tell you the truth; I like snow-when it first comes down, afterwards its turns into a black urine ice and it’s messy and gross, not to mention what the salt does to my fashionable shoes.
Here are my top reasons why winter sucks.

1. Bundling up: Coats, scarf’s, gloves, hats. I can’t even move or bend down if I drop something; guess I don’t need my cell phone.

2. Alligator Skin: Fabian looked into your eyes; he finally took you for more than just a friend; he touched your hands and coiled because they were so dry.

3. Dating Dudes: You get ready; you primp and feel nervous wondering what he’ll be like. After you kill yourself in the nasty, windy weather to get there. He shows up looking like a Gremlin. A nice walk home would cheer you up; you can’t, too damn cold.

4. Water Works: Runny nose + teary eyes=ugly