Thursday, April 28, 2011

What NOT To Wear This Summer

New York hit 80 degrees this weekend and the city was alive with people, music, fattening food and ugly clothes. I don’t mean to be nasty but like Lady Ga Ga sings, I Was Born This Way.

With a tough winter on the east coast this season, people were more inclined than ever to stuff their faces and pack on the pounds. Now that spring has hit the road and summer is here the jackets have come off and wacky warm wear has popped out like a Chihuahua in heat.

There are many summer guides of what to wear for summer, but never what NOT to wear for summer. Here it is, like it or not.

Folded Jean Shorts: If you have to cut up old jeans, why the hell do you cuff them as well? This makes thin legs look thinner, short legs look fatter and pretty much turns off even horny hitchhikers.

Socks With Sandals: For some reason straight men love this look; I don’t know why. SWS tells the world your lazy, sloppy and your dad’s best friend; you look stupid, unsexy and I hate you.

Dress Socks With Shorts: Come on! This only works if you just came from Clown College. Buy some damn short athletic socks, cheap ass.

Muffin Tops In Tight Tops: if fat is trying to escape from under your top; that means don’t wear it. Try looking in a mirror with real lighting before you leave the house and if fat is hanging; throw the top out or cover that crap up.

Monster feet: If you must show your dogs, please cut your nails, clean your feet and get rid of those corns; nothing is worse than staring at someone’s gross feet when you’re trying to eat.

Too Big Shorts: I don’t want to see your flat butt in a thong; I know a guy once complimented you when you were 18-years-old by telling you, “Thongs get me going baby.” Well, he was a janitor and you were a stupid girl; don’t be a stupid women; your butt isn’t even pretty, cover it, PLEASE!