Friday, May 20, 2011

If God Is Coming Saturday, Should I Vacuum?

   The end of the world is coming Saturday 6: p.m; according to nut case Harold Camping, the Oakland minister who’s predicting the end of the world on Saturday, a great earthquake will first take New Zealand, triggering an apocalypse that destroys America city by city.

Are you kidding me? Hell no; I still have too many things to do. Justin Timberlake is hosting Saturday Night Live and Lady GaGa is the musical guest; that blonde guy with the big teeth is supposed to call me and I’m awaiting a package from JCrew; the rapture will have to wait.

Humans always try to predict things; the end of the world; the weather; Lindsey Lohan’s career. I believe things just happen. If the world ever comes to an end it will just end; no countdown, no repenting, no T-shirts that say, “The World Just Ended And All I got Was This Lousy T-Shirt.”

Camping says the quake will reach San Francisco around 6 p.m. PDT Saturday. The saved Christian souls will ascend to heaven, including those dead and buried, while all others will remain as the Earth falls into fiery chaos.

False prophets and dime store ministers will not sway me with their madness. I will awake Saturday with the same attitude. Coffee will be strong; clothes will be changed mutable time concealing any imperfections; work will be done in the same way as any previous Saturdays.

By 6: p.m I’ll be taking a Disco nap with cucumbers on my eyes; in my boxer shorts and an empty glass of red on the nightstand. If this is the end, it’s a great way to go.