Lazy Lover

   THE EVENING WAS going so good I almost wished something bad would happen. He was smart, cute, sarcastic and had all his teeth; totally my type. When a drunken straight girl barged her way into our booth and made us sit closer I felt the electricity from his corduroy pants leg; this dude could be the jelly to my peanut butter; the Spam to my eggs; the Cipro to that groin itch.

In my bed after we exhausted foreplay; I asked him about his lacking “Monica Lewinsky” type skills; his reply, “I don’t really do it that well, so I always give up, my last three boyfriends cheated on me...you have a diet Coke?”

I let it drop and we finished our dance. Later when he was gone and I was brushing my teeth I had to think that was a poor answer. He is 32-years-old; when does one get good at such a thing; 80-years –old? And then you can take out your teeth; so it doesn’t mean you’re better at it; it means you’ve worked around your lack of oral talent.

I agreed to a second date, but my hesitation is, maybe he just sucks in bed. I definitely met people before that were great at everything but sex, kissing or intimacy. That my friend could admit his shortcomings was kind of refreshing, but disappointing that he couldn’t give it the old college try.

Our next date was scheduled 9 days later-thanks to his busy schedule. As the days drag on now I wonder how to make him better. Should I bring a cucumber for him to practice on? Maybe that’s too much; maybe I should start with a pickle or if he’s that much of a wuss; maybe a gherkin?

Saturday is only a few days away but seems like months. Will the second try be better or will he sink into oblivion like many others before him? When Saturday came he didn’t call me and I didn’t call him; so I made other plans. Later in the day he texted, “what was up.?” I thought it’s more like, what went down after his terrible performance.

I really think I should tell him how much he sucks in bed; I’m known to do as much with other people. I find it my duty to tell people what other people won’t say. I decide not to tell him; let him bore some other unsuspecting lover boy in the sheets; It also made me wonder how many lovers out there I bored in the sack. What's good to one person is bad to another; but dam at least seem like you're trying or caring if you're going to bother to get naked.

Do you think you’re good in bed? I thought I was but maybe it's just me who sucks at sex.