LaToya Jackson Engaged To Man With VERY Plucked Brows.

We all know LaToya Jackson (and most of the Jacksons) are nuttier than the Planter’s peanut factory, but her announcement that she is getting married to her longtime business partner Jeffre Phillips, has people scratching their heads and wondering if the famous glittery headbands LaToya wore in the 1980’s were too tight.

Rumors are Phillips is gayer than a Banana Spilt and many wonder if Jackson is naïve or just afraid to be alone. I never like to judge myself (well—moving on!)

Stevie Wonder himself, could just look at the pictures of Phillips, with plucked eye-brows like Joan Crawford and more make-up than a transvestite hooker—and could see that the man likes Adam, not Eve.

 Jackson, at 58 years-old should know better, but then again this is a woman who comes from a family who let their own brother, Michael, turn himself into a freak with mutable plastic surgeries, so I guess nothing is abnormal to her.

Jackson cooed in her wispy voice on ABC news that Jeffre gave her a massive 17.5 carat diamond engagement ring. Let’s hope when Jeffre is stuck at the “gym” or taking a “long walk” in the park, Jackson can hug her diamond when she’s sitting at the dinner table watching her food get cold and her self-respect evaporate.

Gay, Disabled & Doing Fine. A Hudson Taylor Interview.

Some of you may have seen Joey or a guy or girl like him on the street walking with a limp. Some of you might have even gawked at them. Others probably look away when they see them out of shame or fear. Well Joey, 27, and the thousands of other men and women like him don’t need your stares or sorrow for their affliction. What they do need is for you to see how normal and fun they are.

Joey got hit by a car at 17-years-old that left him with a permanent limp. Though slightly tarnished to some, Joey shines bright and shows his patience in answering my 9 questions. In my exclusive interview with him (love saying that!) we talked about everything from Twerking-to-Eleanor Roosevelt.

He is beyond awesome.

1.       Q: Dating is tough in New York no matter what, but having a disability, and being gay; is it harder to date?

A: It can definitely be harder. Having a more visual "disability" makes it is easier for people to draw quick conclusions about me and decide I'm not what they are looking for. The good thing is, the ones who think like that get weeded out pretty quick in the process. I've learned to not take it personal and realize it says more about who they are than a comment on who I am and what I'm worth.

2.      Can you Twerk?

A: (laughing) I sadly cannot twerk but now that I have health insurance it may be time to start practicing.

 

3.    You don’t identify as a nudist, but you’ve attended several nudist events like “nude camping,” this year. I was worried that you’d burn your Tater Tots. Are people ever shocked that you’re there?

A: (laughing hard) my tater tots remain just fine thanks. As for the nudist stuff, I've never had anyone be shocked that I am there. I think that's been one of the most liberating things about dabbling in that environment for me, is that we are all naked and exposed. Flaws and all. It tends to even the playing field a bit. 

4.       People sometimes assume you’re drunk because of your limp; any funny stories about this?

A: My favorite story of mistaken drunken-ness happened one St. Patrick's Day in NYC when a police officer tried to take me in for public intoxication when I was on my merry sober way to the subway. Long story short, I laughed, he laughed (albeit nervously,) and I got a police escort all the way home, and saved myself an hour commute!

5.       Any sex tips?

A: if you're partner is silent, you aren't doing it right.

6.       You’ve had a tough childhood (Joey is estranged from both of his parents) and I was blown away with how positive you are; any advice for us jaded and bitter?

A: I have my jaded and bitter days as well, I am a New Yorker after all...I think what has helped me work toward a more positive attitude, especially in regard to my past is simple: one's attitude and outlook on things is a matter of choice. Eleanor Roosevelt said it best when she declared, "no one can make you feel inferior without your consent."

7.       What’s the biggest misconception about someone with a disability?

A: The biggest misconception about the disabled person as I see it, is that we are weaker than, and more incapable than our more "abled" counterparts. I am by no means an expert on the collective disabled community but I believe it takes immense strength and character to continually face the challenges of a world that wasn't built for you and carve out an existence that is bold and dynamic. There are certainly those who have faced greater challenges than I, and I am constantly humbled and proud to be a part of the handi-CAPABLE community.

8.       How do you feel when people stare at you?

A: It depends on how and why they're staring. Most days I shrug it off because people will inevitably look and notice something that is different to them. If they are rude about it, then yea it tends to annoy me. I just repeat to myself again, it tells me more about who they are then it is a comment on myself.

9.       Anyone ever just tell you, “hurry the hell up!” when you’re walking with them?

A: That actually hasn't ever happened to me. I think if it did I'd probably end up walking even slower just to piss them off. 

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Who killed Father Moore? Sassy EC is on the case!

Bar Etiquette For Dummies.

   Moms should have taught their sons and daughters how to act in a bar; but what did mom know? She thought wine from a box was high end. I know some will argue that drunks shouldn't be held responsible; I don’t agree; I will share 5 simple tips that bartenders have shared with me over this past month. You don't have to listen, but remember if you don't you could be sadly singing along to Pink's song, "U & Ur Hand." every night after last call.

1. Stumbling Suzy: I know, some people need liquid courage to hang in a bar; but you're not going to impress many when you’re wobbling about, spiting in my face when you talk; or dancing like a straight girl at a gay bar. A lady or gentlemen should know when to leave a party or a bar, dig? or at least read a book so you have something interesting to spray-I mean say.

2. Bar Flies: You see him. He looks at you. Sometimes people are just looking around; if you walk over to a guy or girl, and they look like they need to pass gas; their not into you Einstein, maybe it's your breath or that hump on your back that turned them her off; sometimes it could be your face, get over it, there's always someone else out there; walk on, please, really and for God's sake, buy a decent belt.

3. Your Tallness Is Covering My Beauty: Listen phone pole, i'm short like a lot of people in New York; the place isn't even crowded and you’re blocking my view by standing right in front of me with your Miller Light; and worse yet the view of me to the world; I'll say it nicely; please buzz of like a bastard father.

4. Restroom Rites: When i'm in line for the restroom next to you-Boo; please don't think I need to talk to your drunken ass. I know Boo; you’re from Jersey and having a great time; yes, thanks I know I’m looking good. No i'm sorry I don't want tell you where I live or what I do. Please shut up now because my too-tight-too expensive jeans are pushing those three margarita's out and I don't need conversation; I need relief, and maybe some toilet paper!

5. Eyeball Workout: When you like someone who attracts your libido or bank account; eye contact is always good. This will let you know right off if your conquest is interested; If they are; go get'em cowboy; if they don't look back or look at you with contempt before making out with some guy-back off; there's plenty more puppies in the puppy mill; for real.



 

Death Is Annoying.

Death is a bitch. We all lose it when one of our loved ones dies. When someone you love leaves this earth you are left with a missing piece of your heart that never heals.

I’m was trying to sleep last night, and couldn’t drift off to la-la land. For some reason I thought about death and how much I hate it. Of course we all hate death. (Unless you’re 23 and just married a 92-year-old) but I hate death in every aspect of life. Starting with friendships; we’ve all had those best friends with whom you couldn’t go a day without talking to, then suddenly because of something that happened or just how you’re lives changed—it’s no more and the friendship is dead.

When a favorite TV show of mine goes off the air I always feel remorse. Of course there are shows like The Simpsons which go on forever and you wish they would die. I love watching an old movie I’ve never seen and I always find myself looking up some of the actors; I always feel bad when I find out that they died young or were in constant direst.

Wouldn’t it be nice if my dog could live as long as me; flowers could stay bloomed all year round, and that damn produce that you bought on Monday wasn’t rotten by Wednesday?

Death is a part of life, and I except it and carry on. Still, even when an enemy dies I still feel bad and take a minute to remember them. We all go back into the earth one way or another but that never erases the energy we leave behind, and until it’s my time to go I will remember everything that has died before me.

 

Molly the Bulldog Nurses Orphaned Kittens.

We here at HTYM don’t like to get to wishy-washy, but when we found this sweet story two years ago we just had to repeat it. Our cold, bitter hearts melted like Joan Rivers in the desert.

Molly, an American Bulldog has taken over nursing duties to a litter of kittens after their mom was hit by a car and killed. Molly herself just had a litter of puppies and I guess she thought, “me casa es su casa” (for you kids who flunked Spanish, “my house is your house.”)

Molly and the kitties belong to Elbert Bristow, 84, of Columbia, Alabama. Molly and the kittens mom gave birth only a day apart. "I've had dogs all my life. I've trained bird dogs and coon dogs," Bristow told the Eagle newspaper, "but this is the first time I've ever had a dog take a litter of kittens."

Bristow also told the Eagle that the kittens, which include one white, one orange, one grey and white, and one with Siamese-type markings, follow Molly around just like she was their mommy. “She spends 5 to 10 minutes with them at a time, and lies down and lets them eat.”

If you watch the video Molly just wags her tail when the kittens have a snack; this my sassy shamrocks is one sweet, beautiful dog. Most human moms these days don’t want to take care of their own kids, besides someone else’s. It really reminds me of what I’ve always said; if you’ve never loved a pet, you’ve never been in love.

No word yet when the little orphan pussies will go up for adoption, but I’m hoping someone on that farm gives sweet Molly a big bone and a bra after she’s done.

Watch the video below. Molly wags her tail the whole time!

 

5 Worst Things Women Do On Dates.

 

Due to my popular article “11 worst things gay men do on first dates.” I thought I would give the single gals some advice on how to act. Who am I you might ask? I get paid to listen to people for a living so I have expert knowledge when it comes to things most men complain about. If you don’t want to take my advice, no problem—just stock up on some Muumuu’s and become a cat hoarder; it’s your life :) .

 

1.      Marriage carnage: Unless it’s about Kim & Kanye; don’t mention weddings. Men are visual creatures; you want him to be sexually attracted to you on the first date; not think of how annoying your family sounds if you get hitched.

2.      Sexy time: If you’re just looking for a booty call; save your best dress and just go on Tinder or wait until Fleet Week in New York. When the first date is all about sex; that’s just what it becomes.

3.      Eat like a lady, but not like a bird: The days are gone when a woman could only smile, sip her tea and eat a fig leaf on a date. Men like women who eat; you don’t order the Sloppy Joe.

4.      Drunkie-pants: It can make you nervous when meeting someone for the first time. Try to keep drinking to a minimal (Sorry Lindsey Lohan) and you won’t become a whacko, or loose.

5.      Dress barn: Dress to impress, not to audition for a porn film. Showing some leg is hot—but tits-out-to-there? A big no-no. If he’s seen the Promised Land; why would he buy when he could just squat?

 

Top 12 Worst Things Gay Guys Do On First Dates.

There's a reason why they call them blind dates--you're usually blinded after they show up. Some people don't GET IT; so here's some tips on how to act right

1. Diarrhea Of The Mouth: Really, I don’t give hoot how hot, funny, cold, charismatic you’re Ex was, face it, he dumped your ass, move on and shut up about it!.

2. Gentlemen Gin: Please don't show up drunk, broke, or ask me how my family made money, or recall that the bar were in now; was the first place you had your first three-way. Baboons have more class.

3. Cheap Chuck: No coupons! Listen if you can’t afford to eat at a diner, maybe you should take your next date to a hot dog stand.

4. Woman To Man: Don’t tell me how you could be my woman in bed; dudes I have eyes and if I really want a chick I’ll get one without nose hair.

5. Perfume de Tears: If I was crying when you showed up, it wasn't just your looks; it was your perfume. Most men like men that smell masculine and not smell like a grandmother with a drinking problem.

6. Don't Be Late: Nothing proves how lazy and passé you are if you're late on the first date. Abs are hot; good manners are even hotter.

7. Hats Off! Don't wear a baseball hat on the first date. I want to see your face, and if you have on a bad wig. Also it shows that you're lazy and don't really care. If you can't put effort into the first date; why not give up online dating for awhile and get another cat?

8. Take It Slow Joe: You tell me on our first date that you want to take it slow; then after a glass of wine you hold my hand, invite me to meet your mom and ask the correct spelling of my last name to be included in your will (this is the worst one kids, because he says one thing and does another).

9. Tomato With Shoes: Most of us are not perfect, but if you can’t stuff yourself into a booth with me, don’t tell me you’re athletic on your profile, and for God’s sake, don’t wear red ever again!.


10. Effort Required: Men, I know you think you’re hot stuff, but please clean your mouth and cut your nails (and not in front of me, Mike!) before a date. Nothing is more of a turn off then nails that look like they picked your butt, after a hearty serving of 3 bean chili. Yuck.

11. Picture This!: Don't use an old photo Cupcake. I should have looked at the KISS 8-Track you were holding in the picture; but the 100 pounds you've gained? unforgivible.

12. Drag It Out: Unless you we're on RuPaul's Drag Race, don't show me a picture of you dressed as woman; it's the first date. I want to remember how sexy you are; not how ugly you looked in that orange dress.
 

Andy Cohen: Gay and Here to Stay.

When “Watch What Happens Live” premiered in 2009, it was just a little show on Bravo that aired once or twice a week to promote Bravo’s “Housewives” and “Top Chef” franchises and nothing more. Many in the industry didn’t think much of it. It barely got mentioned in the press or reviews. Then just like “Rudolph The Red Nosed Reindeer” something magical happened; Andy Cohen, with his “clubhouse” set, drunken guest and weird eyes that seem crossed at times did something unmanageable in these days of late night gab shows; he keeps you awake! I don’t want to go beddy bye after watching “Live,” I want to party with Andy and his guest.


Andy Cohen; for you feet lovers-you lil devils.

Unlike the coven of women who park their behinds on “The View” and seem lost at times; AC actually knows pop culture and who everyone is; He may have a sassy Jackee Harry on one week, followed by a confused Jerry Seinfeld the next; all are treated the same as AC can talk to anyone and make it interesting and funny. One of the great things about Bravo and why the network succeeds, it’s very interactive with fans. AC will take questions directly from Facebook andTwitter fans (if their interesting enough) to ask his guest; it makes for great TV as you never know how the question will be answered or mocked.

Some people really hate Andy Cohen. When telling a couple of friends I was writing an article about AC I was greeted with turned up noses; which surprises me but I would be a liar if I didn’t admit to hearing, “I hate that guy!” when AC is mentioned sometimes; maybe they’re just jealous and don’t get his pop culture references. On the other hand there are some people who want to bed him. Personally he's not my type (Sorry but thick grey hair on men makes me think of Bea Arthur; and I don't want to bed Bea Arthur!) I want to be his Andy's BFF, and I suspect besides his “young daddy” looks, a lot of people feel like they are letting a old friend, or more like a cool uncle (who’ll let you sip his beer) into their homes each night.

All those "club house" drinks didn't hurt Andy's bod.

Hopefully now that “Live” is a hit for Bravo it won’t lose its unpredictability; so our AC (who’s also an executive at the network) won’t have to change format to compensate some guest; or please some new “mom jeans” wearing creative head at Bravo.

So be damned I will admit it! Andy Cohen melts my margarine and makes me laugh out loud.

Andy Cohen's last book, "Most Talkative" debuted on The New York Time's top 10 list in it's first week on sale; go Andy!

Watch What Happens Live airs Sunday to Thursday on Bravo @ 11: pm eastern.

I Want It All

   I WANT IT all. I’m greedy for love and the next lover who’ll give me butterflies and not indigestion. I’d like a new career; where I make more money and honestly enjoy what I do for a living. I want bars to be like they were back in the day, or like I think they were back in the day.

I want to able to smile at a stranger and when they don’t smile back, get over it and still smile at someone else because it’s a good feeling. I want to believe in government, and not feel like I need a long shower after politician talks on TV.

I want my dog to stay the same age and never get old and have to be put to sleep. I want people that have dogs in New York to be ashamed if they don’t pick up dog crap and not leave it for someone to step into. I’d like friends to agree with me and realize that I know it all. I want friends who have a 50/50 chance of telling someone off; this way when I do it, it’s not so shocking.

I want to eat a box of See’s chocolate a week and not put on any weight. I’d like my gym to make it mandatory for ugly people to keep their clothes on at all times in the locker-room. I want fat people to lose weight and skinny people to stop wearing skinny jeans.

I want rich people to stop getting better tax breaks then the middleclass. I’d like poor people who protest the rich; to at least get a decent hair cut, stop piercing things and throw out all their flannel shirts. I’d like the $99 cents store to only charge $99 cents, and not try to temp me with $2.99 lady bug picture frames.

I want it all. I’ll settle for second best. I’d never be happy with mediocrity.