Bar Etiquette For Dummies.

   Moms should have taught their sons and daughters how to act in a bar; but what did mom know? She thought wine from a box was high end. I know some will argue that drunks shouldn't be held responsible; I don’t agree; I will share 5 simple tips that bartenders have shared with me over this past month. You don't have to listen, but remember if you don't you could be sadly singing along to Pink's song, "U & Ur Hand." every night after last call.

1. Stumbling Suzy: I know, some people need liquid courage to hang in a bar; but you're not going to impress many when you’re wobbling about, spiting in my face when you talk; or dancing like a straight girl at a gay bar. A lady or gentlemen should know when to leave a party or a bar, dig? or at least read a book so you have something interesting to spray-I mean say.

2. Bar Flies: You see him. He looks at you. Sometimes people are just looking around; if you walk over to a guy or girl, and they look like they need to pass gas; their not into you Einstein, maybe it's your breath or that hump on your back that turned them her off; sometimes it could be your face, get over it, there's always someone else out there; walk on, please, really and for God's sake, buy a decent belt.

3. Your Tallness Is Covering My Beauty: Listen phone pole, i'm short like a lot of people in New York; the place isn't even crowded and you’re blocking my view by standing right in front of me with your Miller Light; and worse yet the view of me to the world; I'll say it nicely; please buzz of like a bastard father.

4. Restroom Rites: When i'm in line for the restroom next to you-Boo; please don't think I need to talk to your drunken ass. I know Boo; you’re from Jersey and having a great time; yes, thanks I know I’m looking good. No i'm sorry I don't want tell you where I live or what I do. Please shut up now because my too-tight-too expensive jeans are pushing those three margarita's out and I don't need conversation; I need relief, and maybe some toilet paper!

5. Eyeball Workout: When you like someone who attracts your libido or bank account; eye contact is always good. This will let you know right off if your conquest is interested; If they are; go get'em cowboy; if they don't look back or look at you with contempt before making out with some guy-back off; there's plenty more puppies in the puppy mill; for real.