How To Kick Depression In The Teeth Around The Holidays.

As humans we tend to dwell on what we don’t have in life, and Christmas and New Years accelerates these insecurities we all have when it comes to money and how we spent our year. A woman I know told me she prays to God each night to win the Lottery; I understand that and sometimes do it myself but I asked her why she doesn’t use some of her prayers to thank God (or Satan, Buddha, Scientology or whoever you pray too) for everything she does have?

According to NYU Langone medical center, depression and suicide happen more in the spring and not the holiday season, ”The media often inaccurately reports such a link, and also tends to blame suicides during the holiday season on depression or anxiety directly related to the holidays. However, studies have shown that people tend to be less likely to commit suicide during the holiday season, perhaps because of an increase in available emotional support.”

I’m no dippy over-positive person and I always see the negative before the positive, so believe me when I say it feels better sometimes to be grateful for what you do have instead of being fixated on what you don’t have. Bad things happen to everyone, big or small-rich or poor. Don’t focus on the negative (of course you’re not going to forget what upsets you; you just need A balance of the two)

So try this: What are you grateful for this holiday; your relationship. Your beautiful new baby. your friends. That raise at work. Losing 10 pounds? Whatever it is there has to be something good that has happened to you this past year. When you decide what it is; pat yourself on the back; go ahead you deserve to smile at how corny this sounds; but hopefully you’ll realize life is not as bad as it seems or could be.

‘Tis The Season 4 Shoplifting: Top 10 Items Stolen 4 Xmas




Little Timmy smiled at the Target guard; gum drops and false chocolate stained his buck teeth. The guard bent down to pat the little imp’s blonde head, and a pack of Batman Underoos fell out of Timmy’s Muppet T-shirt.

Shoplifting is up 6 percent this year, according to Adweek; one out of every 11 people who walk into a store, walk out with a five finger discount.



Here's a look at the top 10 list of the most stolen items around the holidays:

1. Filet mignon: For the vegetarian in your life; just to be mean.

2. Jameson whiskey: You would gift this but you’re too much of a drunk to part with it.

3. Electric tools: For the lesbian next door; because she coughed you five bucks once.

4. iPhone 6: For your Ho; somebody’s got to call you in jail.

5. Gillette Mach 4 razor blades: For your momma, who really needs to shave her arm pits.

6. Axe brand deodorant: For the guy who can’t get laid in your office and thinks the mail lady would be hot if she got her bunions sanded.

7. Polo Ralph Lauren: For yourself; a guys gotta look sharp when you’re driving your mom’s 1986 Pinto.

8. Let's Rock Elmo: For one of your 5 kids; which one? Let them fight it out.

9. Chanel No. 5: For your babies momma’s-momma; it will make her trailer smell pretty.

10. Nikes: For the guy who got his Nikes stolen from you; when he was sleeping on the subway.

I’m Single, and Charles Manson, 80, is Getting Married?

"Tis the season to marry an old, convicted murderer, fa la la la la la."

Some of my single friends and I like to laugh sometimes when we see a hot guy, with a dog faced man on the street. It always makes us wonder, “If he can get a hot boyfriend, why can’t we?” Well, as usual love is blind, and mostly dumb. Sometimes opposites attract, and other times people settle for anyone who’ll cough in their direction.

 The freakiest thing to come out this week, besides Kim Kardashian showing her naked, fat ass for the 100^th time, was 80-year-old wacko Charles Manson, who has been in jail for years (look it up, he’s a skumbag) Manson is getting married. His lady-bug is named Star, 26. Star has that vacant look, and seems to me like her Easter basket only has one jelly bean left in it.

Why a young girl would want to marry a convicted murderer, who is serving a life sentence I don’t know, worse yet, if this felon with a swastika tattoo on his forehead can land a girlfriend, and soon to be wife, what the hell am I doing wrong in landing a boyfriend?

It’s nice to know my taxes are helping whack-job killers, like Charles Manson, and his wedding plans. I’m sure after the prison priest marries them, the priest will tell Manson, “You may now KILL the bride!”

 

Everybody Wants A Tip; Everybody Doesn’t Deserve A Tip.

Recently I wrote an article that asked the question, “Does your hair stylist hate you?” a lot of hairdressers responded, often remarking how cheap clients can be these days. It made me think as I bought a $7 dollar coffee at Starbucks and looked at their tip cup; how did it happen that I should tip the dude that pours my coffee?

Some coffee shops have a system where you pay; you get a cup and fill your own coffee (which I love) but they still have the cojones to have a tip jar; should I tip them for handling my money? I don’t think so. Listen I don’t want to take anyone’s extra income, but it seems to me that everyone has their hand out these days; which in turn makes people angry that they have to give to everyone.

Tipping in my humble opinion should only be given to people who bust a sweat for your needs. I saw a tip jar at the hardware store last week and I had to laugh; this dude expects a tip for selling me a screwdriver? Shit, let me get a job in a hardware store.
I’m not saying you shouldn’t cough up some change to the person at Starbucks who gives you extra whip cream and it rocks your world. What I am saying is; why does everyone have their hands out these days? Especially the people who don’t do much for you or offer surly service? I’m sorry but you can’t compare the dude who pours your coffee to the girl who takes an hour to blow dry your frizzy hair.

Sadly I wouldn't be shocked to see a tip cup at my next doctor's appointment.

Tipping is supposed to be for people who physically serve you or shake their “business” in your face. If this epidemic of tip jars in every business continues the average American will be tipped out, and the person who worked their deodorant off for them will be the one who gets shafted.

Depending on what kind of service you get, usually 20% of the service is the rule. If you have some extra money around the holidays, charity begins at home, try giving a little extra to the people who work on you, or for you, because that drunk on the street doesn't need it, they probably have more money than you.
 

Meet Renee Zellweger’s New Face.

           

Most people get plastic surgery to look younger or sexier. Renee Zellweger, 45, looks like a completely different person. Gone are the chipmunk cheeks and mouth that always looked like she had a sour ball in it. Her old face had character; now she could be starring as one of the “Housewives” on Bravo.

Renee Zellweger's old face.

Though she always looked like she had a head cold, I miss the old Renee. I get that we all need a tune-up once in a while, especially in Hollywood; where men can get old with beer guts and still get paired with the current hot 20-year-old. Women have to keep themselves looking as fresh as day old bread, or get tossed out with the trash the next day.

The “Jerry Maguire” actress hasn’t been in a film for a couple of years, and many gossip at the best salon’s that she can’t get leading roles anymore, and she thinks her new face will blast her back to the top.

So far the star of the “Bridget Jones Diary” movies denies that she’s had any work done, stating that she has just, “lost a little weight.” Sure dear, you and Melanie Griffith!

Many laugh at the notion that she hasn’t had plastic surgery, but many people lie about what they do to their face and body, often “writing” beauty and exercise books, bragging about their so-called beauty secrets when the real secret to their youth is, a good (or in Zellweger’s case, bad) surgeon.

Hopefully Zellweger’s new face will gradually go back to the blowfish we all wanted to see swimming in our fish tank. If she keeps getting more plastic surgery she could soon resemble the fish floating at the top of the tank instead.

 

Trashiest Wedding Dresses Ever.

When you get married you want the OH's & AH’s to come because you look good; not because you look like you were stuck in a dryer before you showed up at the wedding.

 

Taste is always a sore subject between friends, but I think these wedding dresses take the cake when it comes to bad taste. Hopefully these marriages last longer than the career of the designers of these get-ups.



Blue Belles, or Blue Balls?

 

 





Meet The Hag Doctor Who Killed Joan Rivers (allegedly)

 Meet doctor to the stars and Joan Rivers killer (allegedly) Gwen Korovin. She’s no beauty, fellas.

Rivers died this month after Korovin performed an unauthorized procedure on the funny lady. Someone in the medical room has told police that Korovin snapped a selfie of herself and Rivers body, right before the fatal unplanned procedure. Korovin, who is in hiding has denied this through her lawyers.

Anyone that puts out that they are a celebrity doctor; hairstylist; plumber, etc., is usually full of baby sh*t. Most of these people just got lucky or have connections, and that’s the ONLY reason the stars go to them.

Want to know how shady Korovin is? She doesn’t except insurance; just cash. You can dress up a swine in a pretty dress, but it’s still a pig, right?

It just goes to show you if someone with Joan Rivers money could be killed so easily. We the average citizens have even a greater chance of dying in the hands of a sloppy fame starved doctor.

 

 

Should John Travolta & Other Celebs Admit They Are Gay?

John Travolta has been in the news lately but not for promoting his next flick. The one-time looker; now porker is getting sued by a “handful” of male masseuse's, who say he offered them money for sex and many times groped them without their consent. I don’t know if Travolta really showed the oily blokes his “Vinnie Barbarino” But something tells me the story has some fact; why would someone as rich as Travolta (who owns his own Jet plane) not have his own masseuse? So the question is why would he go to health clubs for massages? Some say Travolta would be more able to get a quickie out of a broke, but cute guy who’ll let the towel slip to make extra money, then someone with lots of cash and high morals; damn I guess “Grease is the word.”

I really don’t care if Travolta is gay or bi, what I really don’t like is that Travolta, like Tom Cruise and many others have joined cults; I mean religions where the organizations say they can erase the gay out of you , and most can even hook you up with an opposite sex member and get you married. This religion I’m talking about is Scientology. If you remember it was Scientology that got Lisa Marie Pressley and Michael Jackson together and married; I’d say it was pretty factual they never had sex.

John Travolta and pal share a kiss; straight guys say goodbye like this right?

Is Tyler Perry gay or just for pay?

Tyler Perry has made a career out of tapping a market pretty unknown to Hollywood money men: black women going through crap with the help of the Lord, and a good looking man whom doesn’t know how hot she is, (until the end of the movie of course). Perry says he doesn’t have a girlfriend because he is too busy to date; sure, a rich man who doesn’t have time to date; right I think it would be easier to believe in Big Foot.

Why doesn’t Perry tell the world he’s gay if he is? Well let’s keep it real here at hudsontayloryourmind; it comes down to one thing; money. I don’t mean to shock anyone but most of Hollywood is fake; that virginal Disney actress, who acts sweet as honey; is a major whore; that guy who plays the horny jerk in all those low-brow movies; is really a sweetheart. So it shouldn’t be any shock that Perry is pretending to be straight; his audience is 98% religious and black. If most of them knew he preferred Adam over Eve they would flip their wigs, raise their Bibles and stop going to his films.

Kevin Spacey and a hottie window shop, this looks straight right?

Kevin Spacey is a respected actor; if he told people he was gay I don’t think it would hurt him too much; but you never know. He seems to like his privacy and to hell with Hollywood if they don’t like that he’s a pillow biter.

Queen Latifah is another one who keeps her “lady loving” on the Down Low. Maybe her agent thinks it would be a bad idea to let the public know her secret; maybe Mary Beth from North Carolina would pass out if she found out a Dyke is doing Cover Girl commercials. I’m sure some people would find it hard to see her as a romantic lead, but that’s really all bullshit anyway. A good enough actor will have you believing anything.





GMA's Robin Roberts FINALLY admitted to being a lady lover..

Queen Latifah and a hot chick enjoy some sunning.

Good Morning America's Robin Roberts likes asking people personal questions; just don't ask her to talk about her loving the ladies, she won't.

It would be nice if everyone did whatever they wanted, but it naïve to think there won’t be shame or prejudice no matter how open our society becomes. When famous people hide their sexuality it sends a message to the world that they’re embarrassed. People who hate gays like it that way, but to a teenager looking for out-of-the-home acceptance, it makes it harder to come out when someone you look up to is either too greedy for money or ashamed to admit the simple fact that they are gay.

Robin Williams Commits Suicide. Nanu Nanu Mork! RIP.

 

 “Mork & Mindy” and “Birdcage” actor, Robin Williams, 63, kills himself, police report.

One of the funniest men alive had many demons, and unfortunately they took over.

With countless great movies to his credit, including the mega hit, "Mrs. Doubtfire." He leaves behind three children and many fans of every age.

His wife gave this statement to the New York Times

 

"This morning, I lost my husband and my best friend, while the world lost one if it’s most beloved artists and beautiful human beings. I am utterly heartbroken. On behalf of Robin's family, we are asking for privacy during our time of profound grief. As he is remembered, it is our hope that the focus will not be on Robin's death but on the countless moments of joy and laughter he gave to millions."

Fifty Shades of Grey Movie Trailer: Hot or Rot?

 
 

E.L. James’ campy novel Fifty Shades of Grey has finally come to the big screen, and here is the exclusive trailer for the film.

So far this film hasn’t got my knickers wet—yet, but I will say it’s great that they went with unknown actors. As Anastasia Steele, Dakota Johnson (Melanie Griffith and Don Johnson’s daughter) seems plausible as the young, naive little brat, who wants to take a walk on the wild side, but should try shampooing her hair first. Calvin Klein model Jamie Dornan as Christian Grey seems a little young for the role, but gives off enough heat to warm an Eskimo’s thighs.

I’ll have to see more of the film before I’d plop down my hard earned money to see it. I’ll admit I couldn’t get through the first book in the trilogy because instead of “rocking my world” it gave me “Anderson Cooper” giggles.

That said if you’re into this kind of reading, try the way superior S&M type books by Anne Rice (yes the vampire lady!) The Sleeping Beauty Trilogy. Also Anne Rice’s Exit to Eden book (not the movie—that was a joke) Also 9 & ½ Weeks, the movie and book are superb, and definitely written better than Fifty Shades.

Fifty Shades of Grey opens February 13, 2015. Just in time for you Valentine’s Day suckers.

 

 

LaToya Jackson Engaged To Man With VERY Plucked Brows.

We all know LaToya Jackson (and most of the Jacksons) are nuttier than the Planter’s peanut factory, but her announcement that she is getting married to her longtime business partner Jeffre Phillips, has people scratching their heads and wondering if the famous glittery headbands LaToya wore in the 1980’s were too tight.

Rumors are Phillips is gayer than a Banana Spilt and many wonder if Jackson is naïve or just afraid to be alone. I never like to judge myself (well—moving on!)

Stevie Wonder himself, could just look at the pictures of Phillips, with plucked eye-brows like Joan Crawford and more make-up than a transvestite hooker—and could see that the man likes Adam, not Eve.

 Jackson, at 58 years-old should know better, but then again this is a woman who comes from a family who let their own brother, Michael, turn himself into a freak with mutable plastic surgeries, so I guess nothing is abnormal to her.

Jackson cooed in her wispy voice on ABC news that Jeffre gave her a massive 17.5 carat diamond engagement ring. Let’s hope when Jeffre is stuck at the “gym” or taking a “long walk” in the park, Jackson can hug her diamond when she’s sitting at the dinner table watching her food get cold and her self-respect evaporate.

Gay, Disabled & Doing Fine. A Hudson Taylor Interview.

Some of you may have seen Joey or a guy or girl like him on the street walking with a limp. Some of you might have even gawked at them. Others probably look away when they see them out of shame or fear. Well Joey, 27, and the thousands of other men and women like him don’t need your stares or sorrow for their affliction. What they do need is for you to see how normal and fun they are.

Joey got hit by a car at 17-years-old that left him with a permanent limp. Though slightly tarnished to some, Joey shines bright and shows his patience in answering my 9 questions. In my exclusive interview with him (love saying that!) we talked about everything from Twerking-to-Eleanor Roosevelt.

He is beyond awesome.

1.       Q: Dating is tough in New York no matter what, but having a disability, and being gay; is it harder to date?

A: It can definitely be harder. Having a more visual "disability" makes it is easier for people to draw quick conclusions about me and decide I'm not what they are looking for. The good thing is, the ones who think like that get weeded out pretty quick in the process. I've learned to not take it personal and realize it says more about who they are than a comment on who I am and what I'm worth.

2.      Can you Twerk?

A: (laughing) I sadly cannot twerk but now that I have health insurance it may be time to start practicing.

 

3.    You don’t identify as a nudist, but you’ve attended several nudist events like “nude camping,” this year. I was worried that you’d burn your Tater Tots. Are people ever shocked that you’re there?

A: (laughing hard) my tater tots remain just fine thanks. As for the nudist stuff, I've never had anyone be shocked that I am there. I think that's been one of the most liberating things about dabbling in that environment for me, is that we are all naked and exposed. Flaws and all. It tends to even the playing field a bit. 

4.       People sometimes assume you’re drunk because of your limp; any funny stories about this?

A: My favorite story of mistaken drunken-ness happened one St. Patrick's Day in NYC when a police officer tried to take me in for public intoxication when I was on my merry sober way to the subway. Long story short, I laughed, he laughed (albeit nervously,) and I got a police escort all the way home, and saved myself an hour commute!

5.       Any sex tips?

A: if you're partner is silent, you aren't doing it right.

6.       You’ve had a tough childhood (Joey is estranged from both of his parents) and I was blown away with how positive you are; any advice for us jaded and bitter?

A: I have my jaded and bitter days as well, I am a New Yorker after all...I think what has helped me work toward a more positive attitude, especially in regard to my past is simple: one's attitude and outlook on things is a matter of choice. Eleanor Roosevelt said it best when she declared, "no one can make you feel inferior without your consent."

7.       What’s the biggest misconception about someone with a disability?

A: The biggest misconception about the disabled person as I see it, is that we are weaker than, and more incapable than our more "abled" counterparts. I am by no means an expert on the collective disabled community but I believe it takes immense strength and character to continually face the challenges of a world that wasn't built for you and carve out an existence that is bold and dynamic. There are certainly those who have faced greater challenges than I, and I am constantly humbled and proud to be a part of the handi-CAPABLE community.

8.       How do you feel when people stare at you?

A: It depends on how and why they're staring. Most days I shrug it off because people will inevitably look and notice something that is different to them. If they are rude about it, then yea it tends to annoy me. I just repeat to myself again, it tells me more about who they are then it is a comment on myself.

9.       Anyone ever just tell you, “hurry the hell up!” when you’re walking with them?

A: That actually hasn't ever happened to me. I think if it did I'd probably end up walking even slower just to piss them off. 

Top Rated Mystery Book for Summer. Only $1.99 on Kindle & Ipad.

In honor of Arrow star Colton Haynes birthday today (26) You can download The Priest Wore One Green Sock for $1.99! on Amazon today only. Hit this link: http://amzn.com/B00KWROUZC .

Part Kim Kardashian. Part Miss. Marple and 100% trouble, Meet Ethel Cunningham!

Who killed Father Moore? Sassy EC is on the case!

Bar Etiquette For Dummies.

   Moms should have taught their sons and daughters how to act in a bar; but what did mom know? She thought wine from a box was high end. I know some will argue that drunks shouldn't be held responsible; I don’t agree; I will share 5 simple tips that bartenders have shared with me over this past month. You don't have to listen, but remember if you don't you could be sadly singing along to Pink's song, "U & Ur Hand." every night after last call.

1. Stumbling Suzy: I know, some people need liquid courage to hang in a bar; but you're not going to impress many when you’re wobbling about, spiting in my face when you talk; or dancing like a straight girl at a gay bar. A lady or gentlemen should know when to leave a party or a bar, dig? or at least read a book so you have something interesting to spray-I mean say.

2. Bar Flies: You see him. He looks at you. Sometimes people are just looking around; if you walk over to a guy or girl, and they look like they need to pass gas; their not into you Einstein, maybe it's your breath or that hump on your back that turned them her off; sometimes it could be your face, get over it, there's always someone else out there; walk on, please, really and for God's sake, buy a decent belt.

3. Your Tallness Is Covering My Beauty: Listen phone pole, i'm short like a lot of people in New York; the place isn't even crowded and you’re blocking my view by standing right in front of me with your Miller Light; and worse yet the view of me to the world; I'll say it nicely; please buzz of like a bastard father.

4. Restroom Rites: When i'm in line for the restroom next to you-Boo; please don't think I need to talk to your drunken ass. I know Boo; you’re from Jersey and having a great time; yes, thanks I know I’m looking good. No i'm sorry I don't want tell you where I live or what I do. Please shut up now because my too-tight-too expensive jeans are pushing those three margarita's out and I don't need conversation; I need relief, and maybe some toilet paper!

5. Eyeball Workout: When you like someone who attracts your libido or bank account; eye contact is always good. This will let you know right off if your conquest is interested; If they are; go get'em cowboy; if they don't look back or look at you with contempt before making out with some guy-back off; there's plenty more puppies in the puppy mill; for real.



 

Death Is Annoying.

Death is a bitch. We all lose it when one of our loved ones dies. When someone you love leaves this earth you are left with a missing piece of your heart that never heals.

I’m was trying to sleep last night, and couldn’t drift off to la-la land. For some reason I thought about death and how much I hate it. Of course we all hate death. (Unless you’re 23 and just married a 92-year-old) but I hate death in every aspect of life. Starting with friendships; we’ve all had those best friends with whom you couldn’t go a day without talking to, then suddenly because of something that happened or just how you’re lives changed—it’s no more and the friendship is dead.

When a favorite TV show of mine goes off the air I always feel remorse. Of course there are shows like The Simpsons which go on forever and you wish they would die. I love watching an old movie I’ve never seen and I always find myself looking up some of the actors; I always feel bad when I find out that they died young or were in constant direst.

Wouldn’t it be nice if my dog could live as long as me; flowers could stay bloomed all year round, and that damn produce that you bought on Monday wasn’t rotten by Wednesday?

Death is a part of life, and I except it and carry on. Still, even when an enemy dies I still feel bad and take a minute to remember them. We all go back into the earth one way or another but that never erases the energy we leave behind, and until it’s my time to go I will remember everything that has died before me.

 

Molly the Bulldog Nurses Orphaned Kittens.

We here at HTYM don’t like to get to wishy-washy, but when we found this sweet story two years ago we just had to repeat it. Our cold, bitter hearts melted like Joan Rivers in the desert.

Molly, an American Bulldog has taken over nursing duties to a litter of kittens after their mom was hit by a car and killed. Molly herself just had a litter of puppies and I guess she thought, “me casa es su casa” (for you kids who flunked Spanish, “my house is your house.”)

Molly and the kitties belong to Elbert Bristow, 84, of Columbia, Alabama. Molly and the kittens mom gave birth only a day apart. "I've had dogs all my life. I've trained bird dogs and coon dogs," Bristow told the Eagle newspaper, "but this is the first time I've ever had a dog take a litter of kittens."

Bristow also told the Eagle that the kittens, which include one white, one orange, one grey and white, and one with Siamese-type markings, follow Molly around just like she was their mommy. “She spends 5 to 10 minutes with them at a time, and lies down and lets them eat.”

If you watch the video Molly just wags her tail when the kittens have a snack; this my sassy shamrocks is one sweet, beautiful dog. Most human moms these days don’t want to take care of their own kids, besides someone else’s. It really reminds me of what I’ve always said; if you’ve never loved a pet, you’ve never been in love.

No word yet when the little orphan pussies will go up for adoption, but I’m hoping someone on that farm gives sweet Molly a big bone and a bra after she’s done.

Watch the video below. Molly wags her tail the whole time!

 

5 Worst Things Women Do On Dates.

 

Due to my popular article “11 worst things gay men do on first dates.” I thought I would give the single gals some advice on how to act. Who am I you might ask? I get paid to listen to people for a living so I have expert knowledge when it comes to things most men complain about. If you don’t want to take my advice, no problem—just stock up on some Muumuu’s and become a cat hoarder; it’s your life :) .

 

1.      Marriage carnage: Unless it’s about Kim & Kanye; don’t mention weddings. Men are visual creatures; you want him to be sexually attracted to you on the first date; not think of how annoying your family sounds if you get hitched.

2.      Sexy time: If you’re just looking for a booty call; save your best dress and just go on Tinder or wait until Fleet Week in New York. When the first date is all about sex; that’s just what it becomes.

3.      Eat like a lady, but not like a bird: The days are gone when a woman could only smile, sip her tea and eat a fig leaf on a date. Men like women who eat; you don’t order the Sloppy Joe.

4.      Drunkie-pants: It can make you nervous when meeting someone for the first time. Try to keep drinking to a minimal (Sorry Lindsey Lohan) and you won’t become a whacko, or loose.

5.      Dress barn: Dress to impress, not to audition for a porn film. Showing some leg is hot—but tits-out-to-there? A big no-no. If he’s seen the Promised Land; why would he buy when he could just squat?

 

Top 12 Worst Things Gay Guys Do On First Dates.

There's a reason why they call them blind dates--you're usually blinded after they show up. Some people don't GET IT; so here's some tips on how to act right

1. Diarrhea Of The Mouth: Really, I don’t give hoot how hot, funny, cold, charismatic you’re Ex was, face it, he dumped your ass, move on and shut up about it!.

2. Gentlemen Gin: Please don't show up drunk, broke, or ask me how my family made money, or recall that the bar were in now; was the first place you had your first three-way. Baboons have more class.

3. Cheap Chuck: No coupons! Listen if you can’t afford to eat at a diner, maybe you should take your next date to a hot dog stand.

4. Woman To Man: Don’t tell me how you could be my woman in bed; dudes I have eyes and if I really want a chick I’ll get one without nose hair.

5. Perfume de Tears: If I was crying when you showed up, it wasn't just your looks; it was your perfume. Most men like men that smell masculine and not smell like a grandmother with a drinking problem.

6. Don't Be Late: Nothing proves how lazy and passé you are if you're late on the first date. Abs are hot; good manners are even hotter.

7. Hats Off! Don't wear a baseball hat on the first date. I want to see your face, and if you have on a bad wig. Also it shows that you're lazy and don't really care. If you can't put effort into the first date; why not give up online dating for awhile and get another cat?

8. Take It Slow Joe: You tell me on our first date that you want to take it slow; then after a glass of wine you hold my hand, invite me to meet your mom and ask the correct spelling of my last name to be included in your will (this is the worst one kids, because he says one thing and does another).

9. Tomato With Shoes: Most of us are not perfect, but if you can’t stuff yourself into a booth with me, don’t tell me you’re athletic on your profile, and for God’s sake, don’t wear red ever again!.


10. Effort Required: Men, I know you think you’re hot stuff, but please clean your mouth and cut your nails (and not in front of me, Mike!) before a date. Nothing is more of a turn off then nails that look like they picked your butt, after a hearty serving of 3 bean chili. Yuck.

11. Picture This!: Don't use an old photo Cupcake. I should have looked at the KISS 8-Track you were holding in the picture; but the 100 pounds you've gained? unforgivible.

12. Drag It Out: Unless you we're on RuPaul's Drag Race, don't show me a picture of you dressed as woman; it's the first date. I want to remember how sexy you are; not how ugly you looked in that orange dress.