I See Fat People: How To Say Thin On Thanksgiving.

The holidays are suppose to bring people together, unfortunately we all tend to gain weight with tempting food; the stress of seeing family members and traveling; one can easily pack on more lard then a grill at a diner in a bad neighborhood.

So with an almost empty bag of Halloween candy by my side, I felt determined not to put on more than five pounds this holiday season and find out the secrets of holiday eating without the gilt come January. So I calculated all the stupid advice that’s out there, followed by my advice and here it goes.

• Martha Stewart.com: Instead of sitting around munching on candy, Stewart suggests to make your own Festive Envelopes. “Use paper treat bags as festive envelopes for your holiday greeting cards.” If I’m sitting around on a Friday night doing this, alone, I will have no choice but to eat sugar or kill myself.

• ABC News: “Drink two glasses of water and write down what you eat.” This is dumber than a Kardashian; could you imagine being at a holiday party, and as everyone is having a good time; you’re sitting there drinking two glasses a water like a Meth addict and scribbling into a notebook like a conspiracy theorist.

• Marie Claire: “Skip your usual evening meal and treat the cocktails like a dinner.” Leave it to a Women’s fashion magazine to tell you to drink instead of eat food. This may work for anorexic models, but the reality is you’ll get drunk and hook up with that creep from accounting-I’d rather gain weight.

• Richard Simmons: In trying to motivate his fans with his 2012 blog, Simmons explains Thanksgiving in mouth watering detail, that had me and I’m sure most of his lard assed readers-ready to gobble down everything in sight. “Tomorrow, your family is expecting a juicy Virginia ham, a big bowl filled with green bean casserole, a serving dish full of fluffy mashed potatoes and a stick of room temperature butter on the side-That'll make it easier to spread even more butter on those already buttered homemade yeast rolls everybody loves.”

When it comes down to eating for the holidays; enjoy yourself but there’s no reason to get crazy when eating, Thanksgiving comes every year no matter what; so you don’t have to feel like you’re missing out if you turn down that 3rd Pig in a Blanket. Happy Thanksgiving everyone!