*Holiday Candy Fat Ass*

Shopping at my local drug store I was molested by the huge displays of Easter candy staring at me from isle 4. Family memories floated through my head as I stacked Easter candy into my shopping basket.

   The best part about the holidays to my family was the sugar. My mom might let the electric bill go, but she would be damned if she didn’t pick up ten boxes of Marshmallow Peeps.

   Marshmallow Peeps, their little distant eyes looking at you scared, almost like they know you're going to shove them in your mouth. The colored sugar would turn your tongue yellow, pink and aqua. It’s no wonder that by 9-years-old I was shopping in the husky boys section at J.C Penny.

   Of course my mom and dad had not a tooth in their mouth, but that never stopped them from gumming down a frozen solid chocolate Easter bunny named Wilbur (chocolate bunnies always have nerdy names; where’s Leonard, Tyrone or Mykel bunny?)

   How can we forget chocolate Santa Claus or as my mom called him Black Santa Claus.

   Let’s mutilate Santa Claus kids! Merry Christmas and a waist size expanding New Year.

   Who ever thought it was a neat idea for children to decapitate chocolate people? Totally racist; it’s kind of sick when you think about it; though I guess if you could buy little chocolate people you hate- that would be okay; little chocolate terrorist, yum; just doing my part to fight terrorism. They melt in your mouth, not blow up in your hands.

   How great is that? Or imagine twenty or twenty-two pieces of your ugly ass boss, all ready to be torn limb by limb. Tasty, God bless!

   You could even chew on them in your office, car, or my favorite on the treadmill. How much fun would that be? Every time your boss would piss you off you could throw chocolate boss Mini Me's in your mouth as you typed away that frown, and that deadline. You’re sure to be smiling from ear-to-ear as his head is ripped from his brown bloated body

   Just be careful you don’t have his head in your mouth when you say, “Yes, sir I’ll get right on it.”

*excert from There's A Bastard Born Every Minute by Hudson Taylor

Can You Date A F**K Buddy?

 

He was so hot in bed the first time you had him. You never planned on it but once every month or so he would come over; sheets got randomly changed; no huge feelings, just fun, familiarity. A quick kiss goodbye and you didn’t think of his muscular legs again.

   One night you got the text; you were out drinking and so was he. He came over; great sex prevailed but something different happened this time; he fell asleep on the couch as you nuzzled from behind. Your first inclination was to get up and blast loud music to make him wake up and leave; but you noticed something different, the smell of his hair (When did Pert Plus ever smell so good?) Without fear you kissed the back of his head and snuggled tightly from behind. damn, I think I love this person, you thought; falling asleep in new found bliss and dry mouth from the nights many Margarita's.

   You bombarded him with Texts after that; Joking at first, but then being serious by asking him out to dinner. He would vaguely text back how busy he was, which drove you bat-shit crazy. Some nights you Googled his name until you got any information on him; one lonely night you even Facebooked him.

   So can you date a f*k buddy? Usually the answer is no. Usually they meet someone else, have someone else or just aren’t the dating, marrying or friends type. Move on grasshopper because it hurts like hell to want someone who doesn’t want you.




Jared Padalecki is hot; who cares if he's a little dirty?

   I was at a fancy hotel last year and was enjoying too much over priced wine. As I stood and let my money go down the drain, who was standing next to me but "Supernatural" actor Jared Padalecki. Suddenly I got pee shy half way through. Jared is hot in person and so tall he made me feel like a girl...a very little girl. When he left the Restroom I wondered if WE could be; nah, he didn't wash his hands and his wife would probably mind.

   You seldom hook up with him now; it’s still good but not the same as before; he never falls asleep again at your place. He still hasn’t answered your Facebook request. You tell yourself he's not all that and don’t care about him and his hot pecs anymore; you lie to yourself.
 

Why Winter Sucks

This year the East Coast has seen a record number of snow and I for one am sick of it. I know what some cheery person will say, “I love the cold. I love the snow!” oh shut up! I’ll spill the baby formula here and tell you the truth; I like snow-when it first comes down, afterwards its turns into a black urine ice and it’s messy and gross, not to mention what the salt does to my fashionable shoes.
Here are my top reasons why winter sucks.

1. Bundling up: Coats, scarf’s, gloves, hats. I can’t even move or bend down if I drop something; guess I don’t need my cell phone.

2. Alligator Skin: Fabian looked into your eyes; he finally took you for more than just a friend; he touched your hands and coiled because they were so dry.

3. Dating Dudes: You get ready; you primp and feel nervous wondering what he’ll be like. After you kill yourself in the nasty, windy weather to get there. He shows up looking like a Gremlin. A nice walk home would cheer you up; you can’t, too damn cold.

4. Water Works: Runny nose + teary eyes=ugly

Beauty or Bullshit?

How does Christie Brinkley look so good for her age? People want to know. Most Stars of a certain age make commercials when they need money; promoting creams and crap that will make you look as good as them-so they say; the biggest secret to looking good over 40 is having money; nothing ages you like being poor.

Who doesn’t like to look good? Dogs don’t seem to care but humans; we tend to be vain beings-bent on enticing total strangers at the super market, with our expensive jeans and fancy perfume (usually made by people so poor; they sleep in bunk beds between working in factories that produce crap for fancy pants Americans)

Opening any magazine you’ll find a twenty-year-old paid model, bragging, “The Only Bags You Want Are Designer.” Recently many companies have been hiring older bitches to pitch their beauty stuff. With fuzzy lenses and whiteout presentation; one is supposed to think you can look just like her; if you can afford to cough up the $89.99 and the plastic surgeon.

For just $2,000 - $10,000 start-up fee; any prune-faced-fat-pocketed-go-getter can start their own beauty line; forget you Oil Of Olay! Vamoose Estee Lauder! Hello, Hudson's Wrinkle Exterminator.

“Anti-aging has never been hotter. Capitalize on this market because it’s unlikely to dwindle anytime soon.” So says Entrepreneur.com.

So what works and what doesn’t? is it really beauty these companies are selling or is it bullshit? Well the answer is both. Some creams improve the look of your skin, while others don’t do jack, and just to let you know; you can get a great wrinkle cream under $60.00; anything higher and you're just paying for the packaging and some Star's new ass.

Here’s the real secret to looking younger; enjoy what you do, and who you do it with. It’s amazing in 2013 we all think we can easily buy our beauty in a serum or cream, and though some of those can help a bit; the most instant beauty secret is love. Find it in a child’s laugh or the snuggle of your dog on a cold morning or even the softness of a lovers kiss; some even find love in bathroom stalls.

Regardless of where you find love, go out and experience it; you’ll be amazed when you look in the mirror and see the happy and beautiful person in it.

Hudson Taylor is a semi-attractive writer living in Manhattan.

Sarah Palin shoots Horses and Elk and Moose and…

   The world knows the name Sarah Palin. Several years ago she was just another wanna be waxy-faced politician, until John McCain picked her as his running mate in an ill attempt for the White House. When McCain lost to Obama, Palin became the first vice president in the running to become a huge star after the voting and bullshit promises were done.
Sarah Palin continues to make news several years later. If it’s not for coy answers to reporter’s questions about her possible run for president in 2012; it’s daughter Bristal and other non-working celebrities shaking their bunions on ABC’s hit show, “Dancing With The Stars.” Palin loves the spotlight like a lone fly on a tower of horse dong.

I don’t like Ms. Palin or dislike her. In my opinion she does what every politician does; works her party with bullshit statements that gives her followers hope-boners to support everything she writes or stars in. So I don’t have a problem with her politics, because all politicians are fake anyway; sorry kids. My problem with her is that she just shot to death, a poor caribou on her lame “Reality” show, “Sarah Palin’s Alaska.” Which has had gone down faster in ratings than the Titanic since it premiered weeks ago on TLC.

In this day and age to shoot a poor living thing is monstrous and anti American, you all. I’m not a vegetarian and wear leather shoes but I would never kill something just for fun or ratings. She should be denied her monthly Botox, and forced to watch Bristal dance the Macarena in a locked room for 3 months; then let out in the wilds of Alaska where she gets hunted and shot at for punishment.

I guess I shouldn’t be surprised when her 16-year old kid (Willow) calls another teen a faggot on Facebook and Bristal (in a fight with Bi-sexual comedian Margret Cho, made a tasteless joke about K.D Lang and Margaret’s excitement seeing her) like mother, like daughter one could argue. Palin supporters will not change their mind about their rifle queen; because they are the kind of people who agree with homophobia and shooting animals to death in the wild as they scratch their balls and high five each other over the dead carcass.

Maybe Sarah Palin will become the next President of The United States of America; which is fitting given how much our country resembles a place where al-Qaida and Saddam Hussein could call home. With airport body searches, security camera’s on streets and politicians, who show their power by crushing animals and minorities. Maybe the terrorist have won; or maybe we can do what President Bush said to do in times of stress after 911, “Keep shopping.” Keep shopping Sarah Palin because I’m not buying you.

Top 4 Wacky Dates of 2010.

1. Forget Me Not: This guy found me on MySpace. He wrote me a very long message. Said he dumped me years ago and had now "grown up" and would I give him another chance? After hesitation I agreed and we set up a date. Never heard from him again.


2. Sticky Fingers: I met this guy online. He seemed cool but distant. I learned why on our first date; he was missing four fingers.

3.Blabalina Jones & The Temple Of Get Me Outta Here: This one showed up drunk, with no money, demanded to know how my family made thier money and told me, "I had my first gangbang at this very bar." If you can belive it; he still thought I should give him another chance!

4. This Dudes For You: We met at Starbucks. He said I had nice eyes as we sipped over priced burnt coffee. We had a lot in common and he laughed at everything I said. I looked into his blue eyes and dreamed of our future. He said he had a boyfriend who didn't understand him. I said go screw yourself.

"The Fabulous Beekman Boys." Best Homo Show, EVER

Gays are tough. Especially City Gays. When a TV show premeires that's gay, or has a gay character, all my friends in New York complain about stereotypes. They usually rant over their Cosmo(s)That gay shows always feature the same 5 types.

1. The Wacky Foreigner: hates everything American; but the money.

2. Supposedly A Model/Actor Queen/Personal Trainer: Never really works; so how does he make money? If he's under 25, Calvin Klein.

3. Bitchy Older Gay: She can't stand anyone, but is in love with Daniel Radcliff.

4. Sassy Best Friend Queen: With big belly and heart of gold.

5. Non Sexual, Can't Wait To Get Married Queen: This one has nothing but best girlfriends, and is holding out for a rich guy; good luck.


Finally there's a show on TV with real gay men; not macho, not fem-just two gay guys who happen to be a couple and gay. The Fabulous Beekman Boys premiered over the summer and has become Planet Greens number 1 show.

Most longtime gay couples tend to put their money into lavish vacations, botox, young lovers or buying a child from a third world country; not these boys.

Josh Kilmer-Purcell and Brent Ridge left their New York City lives behind at middle age to purchase and run the Beekman Farm in Sharon Springs, N.Y. Instead of thoughtfully contemplating this new, slower pace of life, Josh sells a book about his new life ("The Bucolic Plague") but keeps his full-time job in the city as an ad exec, and Brent, former V.P. of Healthy Living for Martha Stewart Living, arrives with visions of a Beekman brand that will produce everything from goat cheese to soap. Brent almost kills himself getting out an order of Beekman soap, believing he is the only one who can properly tie each ribbon on each soap (no surprise Martha liked him)

And then the filming begins, just in time for Josh to complain that, the second he drives in from the city on the weekends, Brent puts him to work. "This is so not what I envisioned my life being," Josh explains, and we flash to images of his former life as a drag queen named Aqua. "I was famous for having clear plastic breasts that had goldfish swimming around in them," he tells the camara.

I love this show and look forward to more. Finally there's a show on TV where you can say, "I'm like that." Also in this age of watching only LOSERS on reality TV; it's great to see two fun loving gays who aren't gross and sloppy.

The Fabulous Beekman Boys Special Premieres Wednesday, December 8, at 9:00 PM (ET) on Planet Green.

Season Two of The Fabulous Beekman Boys Premieres in Early 2011.

Stuffed Animals with Mental Disorders

German toymaker Paraplush has released a line of cute stuffed animals that suffer from different mental illnesses.I love these and want each one.


Depressed Turtle
Being an animal accustomed to a more relaxed pace, life in the fast lane has caught up with Dub, sending him into a severe depression.


Sheep with Multiple Personality Disorder
Dolly seems to suffer from the delusion that she is a wolf despite the fact that she is without a doubt a sheep.

Hallucinating Snake
Sly’s inner conflict must be interpreted as a sign of an ambivalent relationships towards its own body. Combined with the fascination of an apparently much more potent-seeming substitute rattle, we suspect the manifestation of a deeply rooted rattle complex.

Hippo with OCD
Lilo has been trying to solve the same wooden jigsaw puzzle for the past few months without success. He is so absorbed in this repetitive activity that he is completely unaware of his surroundings.


Paranoid Crocodile
Kroko’s hypersensitive perception is a symptom of a paranoid psychosis.

To learn more about these toys, visit parapluesch.com/catalog/ [via]

Snook-A-Doodie

Why is this woman a celebrity? she looks like a fire hydrant with a wig and shoes on. Snooki continues to amuse her "fans" who seem to still flock to the untalented crew of trash from Jersey on MTV's "Jersey Shore"

Last season's "Jersey" took a dip in the ratings; im sure soon followed by a lower rated new season which begins january 2012. In the mean time Snooki has taken to writing books; well she doesn't write them; a ghost writer does and her publisher puts her name on them; amazing I didnt think Snooki's fans could read.

Maybe the whole cast can go to an island somewhere and stay there; I'll pay for the hairspray, cheap clothes, booze and tan booths for them; if they promise never to come back.

5 Things That Piss Me Off For September 2010

1. Straight Women In Gay Bars: Stop being loud. Learn to walk in heels and stop dancing wildly after one freaking drink.

2. Sign My Petition: Save the whales; Save the gays; Save the earth; Save the cat litter. Leave me alone already and get off my street; And I will have a nice day!

3. Networking: He’ll scratch my back, if I scratch his sack. She’ll tell a friend, that I have a poison pen. Who do I have to blow...up in this town to get a new book deal?

4. Money: Where did you go brother? Everything keeps going up-up, my paycheck keeps going down-down.

5. End Of Summer: This year went by faster than my first sexual experience; and just as humiliating.