Trying To Lose Weight? Don’t Watch Late Night TV

We don't look like him.

   Late Night TV hopping had me bored, finally I found a TV movie with a woman being betrayed and thought it would help me sleep. Suddenly a Burger King commercial flashed on the screen; followed by Budweiser & Dunkin Donuts; I found myself wondering if there was a BK or DD open at 2: 00 A.M? How people are supposed to lose weight with food shoved in their face? Why don’t we ever see commercials celebrating the wonders of broccoli?

   I Understand It’s all a part of advertizing and it’s easier to make over processed crap than it is organic tasty delights, but how is a brother suppose to stay thin in the summer? (I won’t even mention winter and those damn tasty Chicken Pot Pies) Late night TV should be flooded with commercials featuring salad; that would make me fall right to sleep. I don’t need temptation; I need medication my Barnyard Friends. A cookie is good anytime of the day; but a cookie after midnight, even sweeter.

   According To Psychology Today, the effect of junk food ads is not simply brand preference: An ad for M&Ms did not cause people to go search for M&MS. The junk food ads just caused people to eat whatever was available. So if the Lay’s chips are in your house, and the commercial for Pringle’s starts blaring, don’t be surprised if you open that bag of Lay’s.

   So what’s The solution my Barnyard Friends? Give sugar and salty goodies up for good? I would say no, but if you must have them; eat them on the day you buy them. This way when you have the late night munches, there won’t be much temptation besides gadgets that cost 19.95 and require you to ACT NOW! By the way, anybody want to buy some handy gadget’s that cost 19.95? If you ACT NOW! I will give you a second one for free with separate shipping and handling.

Some People Don’t Want To Date…You

"I do not trust people who don't love themselves and yet tell me, 'I love you.' There is an Africansaying which is: Be careful when a naked person offers you a shirt."

— Maya Angelou

Trying to get your ass in shape at the gym is hard. Trying to get a second date in New York is like trying to find your underwear after an orgy-hard work. Why is it so hard to find that right girl or guy? it's like everyone you meet has a third eye; looking for a better upgrade.

New York can be hell for single people; most claim they want to meet a nice mate but the truth is they really don’t want to. A lot of people claim they want love and that there are no good men or women left in New York; bullshit, the majority of these single people don’t know what they want, and make it a hobby to make you believe they want a relationship, when they have no attention of going past 3 or 4 dates.

"Bitterness is like cancer. It eats upon the host. But anger is like fire. It burns it all clean."
— Maya Angelou

Why do these singles fool themselves and you? Good question; sane people that enjoy being single have a goodtime and are honest about not wanting to get tied down. Players & fakers grab your hand on the first date; text you constantly and always tell you how cute you are. There’s nothing worse than someone holding you one day, and ignoring you the next day.

I guess you never want to give up when trying to meet your mate; but constant obstacles and let downs when it comes to love make it impossible not to explode sometimes. So how do you avoid the players and fakers? I’d love to tell you the answer my friends, but I can’t; some of these players & fakers don’t even know what they’re doing to people; so delete their number, and flush them out of your lives.

Actor Taylor Kinney seems to love him some Lady GaGa; will it last?


 

"Never make someone a priority when all you are to them is an option."
— Maya Angelou

The best advice is to dust yourself off and get back on your feet; we’ve all been burned and it eventually heals. Life’s a crap shoot, either learn to play or give up. I won’t give up and hope you won’t either. If a scary mess like Jonny Weir can get gay married; that means there's hope for all of us.

 

Maids Have Tough Ass Jobs

Cleaning after people is hard work; especially if you’re employed by a celebrity. If you work for Naomi Campbell you get the Tater Tots beat out of you when you can’t find your bosses size zero jeans. If you work for Arnold Schwarzenegger you get screwed; then re-screwed when his wife finds out. When I could afford a maid I couldn’t even get her to do windows, let alone bang me without a condom. I have to tell you, if I screwed my boss; I wouldn’t go back to cleaning toilets; didn’t Arnie have some filing work to do?

Granted there are maids who enjoy hiding the feather duster with their boss. For some of them it’s just sex, or even the thrill of a rich powerful man just wanting them. Some maids probably think their boss will leave the wife for them, fat chance.

Long ago the rich raped and abused their slaves and got away with it, maids or companions were not treated any better, often getting low wages, beatings and spotty time off. Luckily today, times have changed thanks to unions and teamwork. Some hotels have now agreed to install panic buttons for the maids. What happens when you’re a maid in someone’s home or traveling aboard with your boss? You’re screwed literally and figurally.

If you work in a hotel you get a lot of rich oily jerks manhandling you like a Rubik’s Cube at an 80’s theme party. Some people wondered why the maid didn’t fight off slimy French Monetary leader Dominique Strauss-Kahn; sadly a lot of people that clean toilets are foreign and come to the United States to try to make a better life for themselves, and their family. A lot of maids don’t have green cards, so they are scared to go to the Police. I bet a lot of molestations happen at these fancy hotels and are covered up with money and threats.

A good man is hard to find; a good maid, even harder; some maid’s suck and some take their job very seriously. Respecting people who work for you should be done professionally but with fairness and kindness. Remember, the woman giving you an extra towel, or that older lady making up your bed; are not only maids but someone’s friend, wife, sister or mother.

My Baby Has Died

    On this hot and hazy night I’m reminded of a hot June from five years ago. I sat in a cab going uptown. My mind raced with what could be happening to my little baby. As the cabbie yelled into his cell phone I blew on her face to cool her. Her eyes looked dead; moving, but not focused. My heart felt like it was being ripped apart and I was defenseless to help her. Uptown we went. The heat was so hazy that midtown seemed like it was in a fog with peeks of lightness.

When Nikki first came into my life; I didn't want her; didn't need something or someone to take care of. I just moved into my own apartment for the first time. I was free from my parents; free from the past that I ran from. Now here I was with this little person who needed me to take care of them and I wasn’t sure I could take care of myself.

When I first met Nikki there was a promise that she would only stay two-three days the most. One week later she was gone. I felt sad. I got use to coming home from work; Nikki sitting on the floor, staring at me; all green eyes and black hair. Then with a twist of fate I got to keep her. How could I not take her? Her family dumped her, just like mine.

As the years rolled on boyfriends, friends all faded from my life. Still Nikki was by my side, talking and acting like a dog. Now I sit in the waiting room; her hair and feces still on my shirt. I want to cry, sob like some soap opera actress does after she finds out her young lover is cheating. I hold it in, my Ex boyfriend, who has only known Nikki for over a year cries openly as he sits in his plastic ugly chair.

We say our good byes; Nikki stares blankly, paws trying to wiggle; alive but the brain will not let it happen. She’s had a stroke; it makes me think of how horrible it must feel for her; eyes open, seeing the world and your limbs, useless, dead, silence.

I want to bundle her up and take her home, but I can't. The doctor could be wrong. She is dying. I can't leave the room and leave her here. I know I have to because she is suffering. I can hear the nurses laughing in the hallway as sounds come out of me like pouring rain; how dare they laugh; live, when my child is leaving me forever.

A couple of weeks before this I bought Nikki her own bed. A rather soft and gaudy leopard colored thing. Man, it looked pretty gay. Friends told me she wouldn't lay in it but Nikki loved her gay bed; spent most of the last month in it. When I found her, she was laying in it. I spoiled her to the end and she died in gay fluffy style, and not a cold floor.

Saying goodbye to someone is hard. Only if you had one more day to tell them how much you loved them, you would. The second worst thing after someone dies is; their stuff. How can you throw away their things, like they were nothing? If you’ve never loved and been loved by a cat or dog I feel bad for you; animals can fulfill your heart and mind in ways you’d never imagine.

Yes, I took care of her; talked to her; bathed her; and loved her unconditionally; now I realize she did the same for me.

If God Is Coming Saturday, Should I Vacuum?

   The end of the world is coming Saturday 6: p.m; according to nut case Harold Camping, the Oakland minister who’s predicting the end of the world on Saturday, a great earthquake will first take New Zealand, triggering an apocalypse that destroys America city by city.

Are you kidding me? Hell no; I still have too many things to do. Justin Timberlake is hosting Saturday Night Live and Lady GaGa is the musical guest; that blonde guy with the big teeth is supposed to call me and I’m awaiting a package from JCrew; the rapture will have to wait.

Humans always try to predict things; the end of the world; the weather; Lindsey Lohan’s career. I believe things just happen. If the world ever comes to an end it will just end; no countdown, no repenting, no T-shirts that say, “The World Just Ended And All I got Was This Lousy T-Shirt.”

Camping says the quake will reach San Francisco around 6 p.m. PDT Saturday. The saved Christian souls will ascend to heaven, including those dead and buried, while all others will remain as the Earth falls into fiery chaos.

False prophets and dime store ministers will not sway me with their madness. I will awake Saturday with the same attitude. Coffee will be strong; clothes will be changed mutable time concealing any imperfections; work will be done in the same way as any previous Saturdays.

By 6: p.m I’ll be taking a Disco nap with cucumbers on my eyes; in my boxer shorts and an empty glass of red on the nightstand. If this is the end, it’s a great way to go.

What NOT To Wear This Summer

New York hit 80 degrees this weekend and the city was alive with people, music, fattening food and ugly clothes. I don’t mean to be nasty but like Lady Ga Ga sings, I Was Born This Way.

With a tough winter on the east coast this season, people were more inclined than ever to stuff their faces and pack on the pounds. Now that spring has hit the road and summer is here the jackets have come off and wacky warm wear has popped out like a Chihuahua in heat.

There are many summer guides of what to wear for summer, but never what NOT to wear for summer. Here it is, like it or not.

Folded Jean Shorts: If you have to cut up old jeans, why the hell do you cuff them as well? This makes thin legs look thinner, short legs look fatter and pretty much turns off even horny hitchhikers.

Socks With Sandals: For some reason straight men love this look; I don’t know why. SWS tells the world your lazy, sloppy and your dad’s best friend; you look stupid, unsexy and I hate you.

Dress Socks With Shorts: Come on! This only works if you just came from Clown College. Buy some damn short athletic socks, cheap ass.

Muffin Tops In Tight Tops: if fat is trying to escape from under your top; that means don’t wear it. Try looking in a mirror with real lighting before you leave the house and if fat is hanging; throw the top out or cover that crap up.

Monster feet: If you must show your dogs, please cut your nails, clean your feet and get rid of those corns; nothing is worse than staring at someone’s gross feet when you’re trying to eat.

Too Big Shorts: I don’t want to see your flat butt in a thong; I know a guy once complimented you when you were 18-years-old by telling you, “Thongs get me going baby.” Well, he was a janitor and you were a stupid girl; don’t be a stupid women; your butt isn’t even pretty, cover it, PLEASE!

John Boehner Uses Our Tax Dollars To Fight Gay Marriage

When I got my weekly paycheck this week I wondered where the good times had gone. Gone were the days where I could spend money on strawberry shortcake for $39.50 (free spoons!) so long Appletini and the botoxed bartenders who served them; goodbye Hanz, the personal trainer who always smells like he ate an onion for breakfast. Notorious B.I.G famously rapped “Mo Money, Mo Problems.” I find myself thinking lately, No Money, More Problems.

Picking up the paper and finding out House Speaker John Boehner and top GOP leaders have decided to go to court to defend the 1996 Defense of Marriage Act (known as DOMA-which really stands for Dumb Obvious Moran Asses), which defines marriage as between a man and a woman. They have asked congress for half a million dollars to pay the law firm King & Spalding. The law firm, which has many out gay employees is getting a lot of flak for taking on the case; listen I know a lot of lawyers are greedy sharks, but would a African American lawyer ever take on a case where the Klu Kux Klan was trying to take their rights? I don’t think so.

John Boehner is known as a conservative Republican and big crybaby. His mysterious obsession with fighting anything to do with gay issues makes me wonder if Boehner is a closet case from hell (usually someone bigoted to one group of minorities tends to have more than just a deep feeling of not liking their obsession, they feel, deep down inside they are like them and hate it) A Google search for Is John Boehner Gay? Yields 2, 470, 00 results.

One has to wonder if the secret queen in Boehner wants to frost his hair and cut up all his old Wrangler jeans and make some bitching jean shorts.

It's scary to live in an age when no matter how large the deficit, people in government are using our tax dollars to fight their personal beliefs; screw you Boehner, stop wasting my tax money and the governments time with this issue; this country is in a terrible economic crisis and we need to get on the ball, now!

A CNN/Opinion Research survey released earlier this week found 51% believe marriage for gay and lesbian couples should be recognized as value, up from 44% in 2008 and 2009. One day bigots like Boehner will run out of office and replaced by people who support ALL Americans, no matter what their personl beliefs are; isn't that what America is all about? Diversity.

Count Your Pennies; Things That Will Cost You More In 2011

Food shopping recently, I was shocked to see that Con’Chedda(I kid you not) my cashier, charged me three dollars for a tomato. “3 bucks, it’s not organic” I said. With her hand on her hip she answered, “I rung up regular tomato, u want it or not?” I shook my head yes.

The government has said the economy is great and almost fully recovered. It made me wonder (and drink) here are some things to make you question those jive turkeys in Washington.

1. Tomatoes:

Frigid temperatures in Florida and Mexico destroyed much of the winter tomato crop this year; the result? Prices are shooting up faster than a street whore. Freezing winter weather in Florida wiped out nearly 70% of its tomato crop and growers in Texas and Mexico suffered similar temperatures. Some states in Mexico also lost as much as 70% of their tomato crops; anyone want a radish on their hamburger?

2. The Cost of Gas and Heating Fuel:

With oil already up 20 percent this year, economists are asking how long it will take before it puts a hammer to the economic recovery. If you're looking for the cheapest gas in the country, you'll have to haul ass it to Wyoming, the only state where gas still averages under $3.50 a gallon. The national average, now $3.79 per gallon, is just 32 cents away from the all time high set in July of 2008. Prices have been driven up by the global economic recovery, record speculation, unrest in the Middle East and the cast of "Jersey Shore" getting raises; it pays to be stupid.

3. Clothing Prices:

Cotton has more than doubled in price over the past year, hitting all-time highs. The price of other synthetic fabrics has shot up roughly 50 percent as demand for alternatives and blends has risen. Good news, Acid wash jeans from the 80’s can be found in your local thrift store for under $8 bucks. Clothing prices are expected to rise about 10 percent in coming months, with the biggest increases hits coming in the second half of the year, said Burt Flickinger III, president of Strategic Resource Group. Basically you’ll have to pay 10 clams more for those booty shorts.

Donald Trump Could Be Our 1st Orange President.

UPDATED May 2012.

Donald Trump has thrown his rug; umm; hat into the arena to become president in 2012. He’s against gay marriage, women over 35 and the new tax on spray tanning.

Trump, a noted Billionaire, Republican and all around pucker face seems to think America needs him; we don’t. Who knows, he could win; stranger things have happened; Arnold Schwarzenegger became governor of California. In its April 2010 report, progressive ethics watchdog group “Citizens for Responsibility and Ethics” in Washington named Schwarzenegger one of 11 "worst governors" in the United States because of various ethics issues throughout Schwarzenegger's term as governor.

Schwarzenegger has recently announced via “Entertainment Weekly” that he will return to movies now that his term is up.

Those who love Obama, think it’s great that Trump is going to run. With other Republican candidates like Santorum, Romney and Gingrich behind him; most Democrats feel the candidates resemble performers jumping out of a clown car, and not worthy opponents to beat Obama in 2012.

Why Trump would even run I don’t understand. The guy is seriously busy with real estate, TV shows, book writing, his own line of “spring water” and “dress shirts”; the list goes on. There’s a rumor he’s trying to patent his own farts. This man doesn’t have time to run bath water; let alone the good old U.S.A.

Whoever runs and succeeds in 2012, better be for the people and not just jumping in to add another plaything to their toy box; unlike cars and European models, our country can’t afford to be taken for a ride; been there, done that.

Some think Trump is giving Romney a handjob.

Update May 2012. Trump bowled out and it seems Mitt Romney will be the one that takes on Obama. Trump, of course likes the limelight like a drunk a box of Advil, has endorsed Romney. Trump says he has no time for the White House; sure, this dude loves power, and even went off on Cher this week, making fun of her plastic surgery and bad singing-he says; all because she said some negative comments on Twitter about Romney.

On "The View" this week Trump tried to stay tight lipped when Barbara Walters tried to get an answer out of him about being vice president to Mitt Romney; Trump finally mumbeled a "who would turn it down." and changed the subject.


So Donald Trump could be our first orange Vice President; scary times indeed.

Why The Meatpacking Area Sucks Now

Once upon a time in the Meatpacking district you could buy a fresh from the oven bagel, smack cream cheese on it and watch transvestite hookers shake their franks & beans on the corner as you ate the hot, gooey mess. These days the bagel place is gone and the hookers are replaced by “Sex And The City” type girls, wobbling out of some overpriced restaurant in high heels that they can’t walk in.

New York as a whole has changed. Gone is the sleaziness of what New York was all about. Tourist with bad jeans use to mess up your walking pace mainly in midtown; now they have descended downtown like locus in search of a Bible prophecy.

With the World Trade Center tragedy came lookie loos asking where downtown was, and if they could walk to the WTC from 42nd street.

In 1900, Gansevoort street was home to 250 slaughterhouses and packing plants, but by the 1980s, it had become known as a haven for drug dealing and prostitution, particularly transsexuals. Concurrent with the rise in naughty sexual activity, the sparsely populated industrial area became the city's burgeoning sex clubs home base. Now you can pay $40 bucks for a hamburger, in the 80s $40 bucks would have gotten you whipped and humilated; pretty much how you feel when you pay $40 bucks for a hamburger.

Beginning in the late 1990s, the Meatpacking District went through a transformation. High-end boutiques catering to retail snobs and hipsters opened. By the 2000s, area restaurant institutions like Fleurent, and bars like Hell were closed due to the new fancy boutiques jacking up the real estate. In their places restaurants popped up like hives in the spring. Most of them closed after six months; soon followed by other shitty, trendy food joints that filled young tourist's appetite for what they thought was New Yorkness.

As of 2012, the Meatpacking area is packed with over dressed people from out of the city; all trying to live their “Sex And The City” experience. Any Manhattan people I asked said they gave up going to eat in Meatpacking years ago. Now that the Highline has opened residents like myself never use it, with all the tourist groups getting "wet" walking on the highrise sidewalk with flowers and bushes; what kills me is, most of these toursit come from places with great parks and land, and this gets them hot and interested?

I do like the cleanness of the area now, but I miss the dose of realness that once was. Goodbye urine smell; I don’t really miss you, but somehow you we’re better than cheap perfume that fills the air now.